Cleaning to Figure it out

Since I was a young child I never really thought about how to fix any serious life problems that came my way. In the beginning I spent my time lashing out at the world around me. One because no one ever seemed to pay attention and two because those who did didnt really listen when I would talk. As I got older and moved out of my hometown at 17 going on 18, I got married to a man who I thought was going to save me when ever lifes big issues faced me head on. I was very wrong!!! Shortly I found myself battling with the events on my table growing and growing like unpaid bills. Once I hit my mid 20s life really took on a direction that spiraled so out of control that I didnt know if I was coming or going. In short I had no idea who I was or what to do anymore. Suddenly I found that doing what I was doing wasnt working, so I started cleaning. And I mean cleaning!!! I would find myself cleaning the counters repeatedly, scrubbing the bath tub til I couldnt breath due to the amount of cleaners id pour into it. And if I wasnt cleaning I was working. At times 1 full time job and 3 part time jobs on top of the cleaning OCD. I drowned myself in anything other then facing the reality I lived in. After now 2 failed divorced and 2 failed decent term relationships I said enough with all this crap. I had this knack of fixing others problems, for me it was like breathing it was that simple. Yet the one thing I couldn’t fix was myself, or my own life. The past haunted me, the present well I hated it and I feared the worst for my future. Then life decided to smack me with one hella brick. I found my best friend again and he was separated from his wife. I have known this man for almost a decade. How funny was it that I just ended an almost 4 yr relationship and his marriage was over. He was separated many times from her but this time it had been almost a year and half since they were together. So I suddenly found myself throwing my own advise out the window and jumping into the abyss. 35 yrs old and now again in a relationship with children. Not that this was hard for me, I have been in two other marriages where there where children not of my blood. I had dated a few others with children. Hell even raised my two half sisters, and countless other children including family cousins, nephews and nieces. This was something I knew I AM good at. Raising children!!! Here I thought all my problems where solved. I found someone I didnt have to be anyone but me with. It didnt matter if I was under weight over weight, dressed to the nines or sitting in my scrubs for the day. HE WANTED, NEEDED, LOVED and yes IS IN LOVE WITH ME! What more could any woman ask for right? Only problem I had was his soon to be ex wife. Even though we know each other, have the same social circle she decided to make my life a living hell. In the beginning all I did was hang out with him. It was months before I met his children. And he introduced me to his oldest who isnt even her child. She was the step mom to this child while they were together. It wasnt til later that I met the other 3, her 3! OMG did the drama start. First she sent in a letter with false accusations which ultimately got me fired from my amazing job. Now had this been in any other time in my life I would have gone straight to her home and literally beat the living hell out of her. But I refrained. I knew doing so would have only bad consequences. So I left it alone. Shortly after that we had an accident where the family dog bite one of their children. She then went on another rampage. I fully understand a mother protecting her child, but since this woman didnt have her children 90% of the time and would snap if she had to take her children say on a Friday night it seemed strange that NOW she cared about her children. So after the accident she tells my family whom which I was staying with at the time that she was sueing if they didnt rid themselves of me. Needless to say I was homeless living in my car in the middle of one hella cold Illinois winter. Trying to find a new job, living off of pennys in unemployment. Spent winter holidays in hotels. My man stood right beside me. Finally to try and help the situation we decided to trade off vehicles. I had a car that could hold him and his children and he had a truck well that didnt. So signed titles and tried to fix our situation. I found a nice 3 bedroom home but with only his income ended up selling my now new truck. Shortly after that she went off again. In court tried to get me thrown out of the very home I just got. And to top it off then turned around and wanted half the money for me selling the truck. I had to keep myself composed that day. And with each of these events I found myself scrubbing the floors on hands and knees til my nails were broken. Scrubbing walls, windows, cabinets and more. So a year goes by and they are divorced, we are married! Struggling daily to keep up with bills, payments and of course supporting her. Every second of the day I was working and cleaning. Running two home businesses and tending to my family as well as others. It wasnt til last year that I had to stop. I was told I might have stomach or esophagus cancer. I about lost it that day. Months of testing, fasting, blood work and her and her daily dramas! Yet I kept cleaning. It was my only escape from all this. Finally test came back and I was told I was going to be ok. The cells were for now not cancer. But that I would have to come back every 4-6 months. REALLY?! Good news yet not! And of course trying to help my husband and his children, taking care of my mom and grandmother….I started to lose sight of me again. Come October of last year I sat down and cried. Cried harder and longer then I think I ever have in my life. Why was this perfect man in my life, this perfect relationship, the perfect children….yet so much stress and drama from one person? After what seemed like forever I turned on my computer turned on Facebook. I had pretty much had it. I was done doing everything by the book, listening to the attorney and others telling me in time this will end. So I started a blog on Facebook. In time this blog became so much more. And my world seemed to calm down a bit. But today with the amount of stress weighing over me I realized I am still cleaning to figure it out!

JASP
 

Just Words For Thought

Over the year and a half that JASP has been up and running on Facebook, we have covered many many topics. Issues directed to Blended Family living, High Conflict Divorce and Child Custody, all the way down to what to do when your with your step kids. And over time we have had our fair share of who thinks this is right or that is right. Truth is that as long as society labels and turns a blind eye to the simple yet important issues no one will be right. To everything man kind does there is always one side vs another. Mothers are better parents vs Fathers being better parents. History has shown us that in the early years Fathers were the better of the two in all aspects, then it became the Mothers for children under 13. Now its almost 2013 and we find ourselves in a stalemate on whos better. Thing is not one single case is the same to another one. Some have terrible mothers involved,  terrible fathers involved, or worse both parents are equally great for the child but neither or one or the other cant get passed the events that have lead them to where they are now. Leaving it in the hands of the courts to provide the right home for these children.

For me I think any child showing an intelligence level of a certain degree, no matter what the age (obviously a one yr old cant speak for themselves) should in the very beginning of any divorce have some say with the judge. Usually the very beginning of these situations neither parent has had enough time to either brainwash or spoil a child into picking sides. Far more parents are still trying to cope with the idea that one they are getting a divorce and two how to even tell the child. So if the Family Court system would just give these children a chance to speak things could be alot different.

As well as with the economy being at the stage it is why not employ trained professionals to check into the homes of these cases. If a Mother or Father has nothing to hide then there shoudnt be an issue if the court appointed personal did a surprise visit or two while in the middle of the divorce and custody case. I remember when my mother and adopted father divorced people came to our house regularly to check up on us girls. And yes my adopted father was the one who gained custody of me and my half sisters.  My mother could have done what far to many do now and claim some radical accusation against him but she didnt. We werent forced to visit with her if we choose not to. We werent stuck in therapy to talk about whos the better parent. So much of what I see now in these situations brings back the haunting memories of my own past.

Back when my Mother divorced my adopted father yes I was angry at her for leaving. But more glad that she was finally going to be out of our lives and unable to hurt us. But the one thing me and my sister wished that would have happened was that the system would have at least asked us our thoughts. They were our parents why shouldnt we have a say? And now I witness hundreds of children stuck in the middle of a family war. No one truly listening or hearing their crys.  And why is that? Some say because at a specific age they dont know whats going on??? I call bullshit! I remember being adopted by my father and almost 2. I remember the dress I wore, the shoes on my little feet. I remember I was scared to death and felt smaller then a grain of sand. The room was huge and mainly wood with a man all in black sitting like a king on a throne. These are memories no one thought I could have…it was impossible. But as I grew older and years worth of therapy I came to learn that yes this is possible. Children with higher IQs then the average child can and will retain important memories, will fully comprehend the situations in front of them.

More living proof of that is when you sit down with my 16 yr old step son from my second marriage. Even at 6 when I first came into his life he remembers EVERYTHING! Very clearly I might add. Even as I type this he is sleeping on my couch, showed up last night to come visit. Shows a little more then what his bio parents would like to admit to. Specially since he refuses now to live with his bio mom and is currently staying with his bio father. I can tell you that coming into my now 6 yr old step daughters life and being here for her for 2 and a half years she too sits and tells people of the very first time we met, first time she got into trouble by me and so on. Overly bright and intelligent children who have been passed off as JUST CHILDREN WHO KNOW NO BETTER! Really??? Thats sad because I see these two as more then just children. I treat them like they are human beings not just children who at that young age has no concept of these issues. Some have told me that it robs them of their childhood….I think not. I think it teaches them the values of life. Why sugar coat and lie to a child about the world around them? Yes I leave their imaginations to run when it comes to the Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny and Santa Claus etc… but when it comes to the reality of life I dont sugar coat and I DO NOT LIE!

Many cultures teach serious life skills and values to children as young as 2. How to work hard, be honest and care for the family and neighbor. Here in the USA we seem to have forgotten those important life lessons. And it shows in our court systems daily. Mothers falsely accusing Fathers of abuse, Fathers skirting their responsibilities the list goes on. No one at that moment remembers that their actions are teaching their children the WRONG VALUES! And then as these children grow society marks them as bad kids, then bad young adults and so on. WHY? Its partly societies fault for thinking that traditional values of right and wrong are now taboo! Why spend time with your child when they can have a XBOX 360, why read to a child when now we have books doing it for them. Punishments for bad behavior are parents taking away electronics, instead of making them sit down and write sentences, or do math problems. Yes this is soon to be 2013 but some of the old school ways still apply even today if we just take the time to enforce them a bit. Until then the selfish and greedy will prevail at teaching our children the wrong values. Leaving a very corrupt and damaged future for our children!
JASP

Parental Alienation

From our brother page Love and Iron Project

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas from all of us at Just a Step Parent?

Not Insane

See there is a difference

My Story with an abusive BM and her children

by Just a Step Parent? on Monday, December 10, 2012 at 6:42pm ·

 Written By Step Mom Doesnt Quit

Since this was a long email I thought it best to put it here:Dear JASP,

I want to start by saying I think what you are doing for Step Parents, Good Fathers and their children is amazing. Not to many people in this world will stand up and face a firing squad like you and your page has. I have been a long time reader to the page. Over the year I have witnessed behaviors that not only appaul me and my family but are down right criminal. Now I thought over a long period of time on how to email you my story, even talked to my husband and his 5 children on their thoughts. Ask me to do this 10 years ago and I would have told you NO WAY! See I am a 43 yr old step mother of 5 amazing (now that is) children. The oldest is now 20 and the youngest 3 is 17….yes triplets. Only one girl the rest are boys. Now back then if someone would have told me that being a step mom to older children was going to be easy I would have welcomed the thought…but its a thought. I soon came to realize that there is nothing easy about being a step mother to any child let alone three 7yr old boys, one 9 yr old girl and a 10 yr old boy. But with all I have witnessed in these 10 yrs no age is easy.

I met my husband at a store shopping one day for me and my room mate. There he was with 5 kids stacked into one cart behind him pulling one filled with groceries and odds and ends. I was amazed at first too…where was the wife? Finally after a few hours of passing by him a few more times he stopped me and asked if we knew each other…I apparently looked familiar. Im sure at this point this line was a new one as he kinda stumbled through it all. Long story short he finally said are you with anyone? I said no and he proceeded to ask me out. Now you can imagine my facial expression at this point. Here was this handsome man, 5 kids and no woman around asking me out in the middle of the store right in front of his children. I said yes. I have a step father, he was a great man (God Rest His Soul) so I was no stranger to step families. And since I myself came from a large family (Im #4 of 8) thought what the heck right?

Well after about 4 months of seeing each other he finally says that he wanted to warn me about something important if we choose to continue down the path we both knew we were heading. I was lost as to what I should be warned about and almost scared to even continue the conversation. But I said ok….He went on to tell me where the mother of their 5 children was and just what I would be in for if we continued to date. As it came out I was horrified. I was his 7th woman he had tried to date in almost 5 yrs. Now that alone may sound bad but heres the reason. His ex wife who he had been divorced from since the triplets were just 2 yrs old had made it almost impossible for him to move on and find love again. The divorced due to the wife cheating repeatedly and then claiming she had some sex addiction and since there is no cure she couldnt help herself and therapy wasnt working. He realized quick that this wasnt going to the marriage of a lifetime. So he divorced her and got full custody, the ex wife having limited visitations due to her “illness”. But every time he found someone it seemed that the very second she found out things got ugly. And to make matters worse she used the children to help her in destroying any possible chances he had. He and I talked more and more. I found out that he actually had sworn off finding anyone (until he seen me that day) but even after we started seeing each other was worried daily that his ex and his children would once again go on the attack. The list of things these children and their BM did to these other women made my stomach churn. I told him to stop…I needed some time to think this through. I left him that night and went home. I spent the next month avoiding his calls, any visits everything. The longer I stayed away yes I felt safer but something in my life now was missing. I truly had fallen hard for him and his children, who yes already from the first date made my life very uneasy. The one reason he finally sat me down to talk about it all. Then it hit me, im not one to back down like this, I survived a house full of manipulation, he said she said, back stabbing evil acts…and that was just us kids being kids. There really shouldnt be that much of a difference…

Well I finally broke down called him asked if we could talk. His relief was very noticable. We went to a coffee shop in town and talked for almost 4 hours. I stressed that my feeling were strong, this last few weeks were torture, he agreed. So we decided we would do this and no matter what never let anyone break us. Mind you my husband loves his children but hes no cakes and cookies kind of dad nor is he so stricted the military would snatch him up. After about a year into our relationship we decided to move in together. This was suppose to be a happy day…it was not. I wont go fully into details but lets just say moving my things when my truck suddenly had 4 flat tires made it rather hard. Then having 3 house fires in the first month tested me in every way. It seemed that every time these children came back from a visit with BM it was a full on attack on me. They never did anything bad to my now live in boyfriend always me. But I toughed it out the best I could and our relationship stayed sound. By the next year he purposed and we were to be married in June of that following year. It didnt happen if you were guessing…3 wedding dresses destroyed, two attempts in church also destroyed and yes all by the children. Finally late in November of that year my future husband said enough was enough and while the children were with their BM for Thanksgiving we got married at a friends house by their lake. I felt horrible and I could tell so did my husband but truly we were also very relieved that we finally got our ONE day. NOW once the kids returned to find we had actually gotten married things became worse. There were problems almost daily, school, church, everywhere. I at times was literally afraid to sleep at night or even get into my truck to go to work. The one day I went out there there was something sticking out of the bottom of my gas cap door…the BM had put something in my tank. I know because the very second I seen it I ran into the house and my husband and I watched our survailence video from the night before. There right on the screen was her and the oldest standing outside my truck pouring something into my tank with a rag pushed inside with a wire that was nicely hung down to touch the ground. The police were called and she was arrested, the oldest child sent to a camp for 3 months. So you can see at this point my life was literally a living hell. But I never gave up. I still went about my day doing my best to be a second mom to the children. I left punishments to my husband, but we did it together. Finally by our 6th year together the youngest of the triplets was hurt while with the BMs mother. When he returned home he sat down with now a broken arm and just spilled the beans. He cried for 2 and half hours. The poor kid was tired no exhausted. He went on to tell us everything his BM and her family talked them into doing. And that now he just didnt want to continue doing so. I was in tears right beside him. My husband asked if the injury to his arm was as he was told. The child said no! My heart sunk when he went on to tell us that his Bm had a new plan to rid them of me. And this time he just couldnt do it. In return his punishment for not following his mothers orders was…her new boyfriend braking his arm. At this point my husand was livid. But the next question even shocked me as well as his son. WHY NOW? The child lifted his head and plainly put it like this….Mom here treats us like we belong even though we do these things to her….why would she do that if she didnt love us?

All I could do was hug him. And this time he hugged me back. From that moment on my husband was done. He filed papers in court for sole custody, called police and CPS. Finally after about 9 months of court battles he had sole custody of the kids. All 5 were in therapy for the years of abuse and torture from their mother. His daughter ended up being a run away for a while due to all this. But finally we found her and got her the help she needed. Seems the BM had this girl believeing she was just like her. Sex addict! The Bm was put back in jail for a while and then her mother finally stepped up and committed her to a ward to try and get her the help she needed. Life still wasnt easy. The children still fought us at times. Never on the level as we had been dealing with but still enough to make you want to pull your hair out. So now as almost adults they are doing well. We all are. We can now sit down and have a meal with conversation that isnt negative. All 5 have made sure to get me a card and small gift on Mothers Day, Birthday and such. I have to say I am very close with the youngest of the triplets now then ever thought possible. I have a great family…yes they are not mine but no step mom really can say that they fully are 100%. But that doesnt mean we dont try, we dont love and we dont fight for the happiness of our family. So many of us step parents struggle day in and day out trying to figure out the children, the ex, the situations we go through….and at best lay down at night head hurting from the spinning going on. But we get up each day just like any other parent and we keep trying. We make the same mistakes as any biological parent. No one is perfect. BUT if you can get up do it day in and day out, still love these children after all the damages they or their Bm does then that makes you special! Short of a miracle honestly in my eyes. I always praised my step dad for being there. My father wasnt always there but not because he didnt want to be. He had a hard life, he was an oil driller. And my mother just couldnt raise me and my two brothers alone. So it ended and she met my step dad a few years later. And he had children of his own. We suddenly were bigger then the Brady Bunch! And times werent always easy, but my mom, step dad and father worked together as much as they could to give us what we needed not what they needed. And that my friends is a miracle! Not to many parents actually do what they do for THE CHILDREN! So dont give up, I know there are days its so hard the only option out there is to quit….but then your teaching the child or children that if life gets to hard just quit…I for one am NOT A QUITTER!

Red Flags that a Child is Playing Parents Against Each Other

by Just a Step Parent? on Monday, December 10, 2012 at 5:50pm ·

 

Red Flags that a Child is Playing Parents Against Each Other

It doesn’t take some children very long to realize the advantages of playing parents against each other to get what they want. After a few years of being on this earth children start to realize that just because dad said no doesn’t mean that mom will say no (or vice versa).

Toddlers often see the world in almost magical terms where they simply ask for something and then it will appear. To children this age, parents are the great providers in charge of giving them anything they need at all times – not matter how difficult.

Approaching each parent separately

 This is the easiest indicator that your child might be trying to play parents against each other. A child might even tailor the request specifically to each parent to increase the chance of acceptance. They will look for soft spots and interests that align with that parent’s sensibilities in order to get what they want. For example, if mom said no to staying up late to watch a movie maybe dad will say yes because he’s been wanting to watch that movie for a while.

Good cop, bad cop

Sometimes one parent will give in easier to requests so your child might focus their energy on convincing that parent instead. If you have one “pushover parent” then you might want to consider getting your child to request things in front of both parents. Or the easily influenced parent can tell the child they will think about it and discuss the idea with the other parent. Important decisions should be made after both parents have weighed the pros and cons together. 

Divorce

Children are easily influenced at a young age and parents that are separated or getting a divorce can sometimes try to win the support of their children through gifts. This is a bad path to your child’s love and something that should be avoided at all costs.

While a small amount of manipulation by a child is normal and even healthy, if it becomes constant then it could indicate long-term problems. Pitting parents against each other may be a child’s response to tension among parents. This is why this manipulation can be prevalent among kids whose parents are divorced or separated.

Important things to remember 

Some parents will use their children to apply emotional pressure on each other and this is not recommended. For example, instead of having the entire family discuss plans for the weekend, one parent may approach a child and get them to endorse their particular plan.

This will only teach your child that manipulating people is acceptable behavior.

Remember that children will often be reassured when they fail at testing their parents when pitting them against one another. Children will get the sense of security that comes along with predictable parental limits but they may continue to test you from time to time. When your child makes their most insistent tests, they are likely in need of the most reassurance from you.

Article written by: Gary

The little gift ideas are the best!

For most of us step moms this time of year can be harder then most. If you have bio children of your own as well as step kids its a struggle to do gift ideas and make it fair. So heres a little one we came up with and thought to share. Since money is tighter then ever before sometimes FREE is just that FREE! And what kids say they want never seems to be free. But a letter from Santa is something any kid wants! So go to http://www.freelettersfromsantaclaus.com/free_printable_letters_from_santa.asp

All you have to do is pick out the letter, fill in the spaces and print! Its really that free! 
Merry Christmas To All

JASP

Holiday Blues

Its no secret that in a step moms life HOLIDAYS seem to be the worst things we deal with outside the daily dramas. We find ourselves stuck in this whirlpool of decisions. Do we buy the BM a gift, Do we allow our SKs to buy the BM a gift, Who”s family do you go see, Splitting up time frames between multiple families…it can be a lot on one person.
So what do you do? How do you proceed with the days to come? Personally myself I just sit and breath!!! Last year I went out and made sure the kids had gobs of gifts, allowed them to shop for their BM and more.  But this year I took a step back. With all the drama and cruelty that the kids BM has caused us I had no choice to pull back. So this year I asked for a real Christmas tree, our numbers on our web page to be at our set goal and for my family to be happy with as much as I can control. I think that was my key point in all this. To stop and realize that I control only myself. I can do only what I am capable of and that’s it. Anything other than that and its not in my hands.

We still dont know fully if the BM will even give us the kids, even though the papers state we are to share an equal even split of the time shes very good at alienating us from the children. She feels she controls it all. Her wish is our commands. So instead of fighting her I leave it in her hands. If she fails to follow the guidelines then it will be on her. Court and the children will see who was in the wrong and who wasn’t. I don’t like the idea that the children will miss out on time with us, but its on her.

And I think thats the lesson for today. Control what YOU can and let others either fail or succeed!

JASP