JASP2 #8

Step Mothers Confessions

As a step mom for many many more years than I ever thought of I have come to see a pattern with parents who are trying to deal with the new SO and the ex plus kids and then LIFE! And for the new SO whether they are a girl/boy friend or wife/husband the other parent needs to remember a few things. Starting out with yes these are your children and that is your ex…the drama that comes with it in these high conflict events doesnt mean we arent a part of it just because you say so. If a BM screams its not our business im here to tell you YES IT IS! You start drama with my new SO and it spills into my life and my home! There are no barriers or boundary lines that can be put up to stop it NO MATTER what I do. If a BF screams this is my issue ill deal with it im sorry that is physically impossible while starting a new life with a new family etc. Again no one can put up a damn or brick wall to keep that from coming in. No relationship will survive if when its visitation time the new parent must leave, deal with it alone or anything really. The new person still has to run a household too. I got to the point where I told my husband I cant do this, you work I have all the kids, you come home tired I still have all the kids, the ex complains I have to hear it from all the kids. I cant run away from my own house! It wasnt until the day I decided I would leave my house. I would NOT reschedule my life just because his kids would be there from 5pm til 7pm while my daughter had dance class. With him working from 3pm til 1am every day he now had to figure out what to do on those hours he got them. Yes I was super happy that his boss and him worked out his breaks so he could go pick them up just to drop them off with me so that they could have time with their sister but since BM refused to allow me to pick them up this in time became an issue. I told him you and her cant expect the entire world to adjust to you and her. Dance class, after school learning programs arent going to change their scheduling just because you and her cant come to a better agreement. I cant tell you how many times ive changed up my appointments for doctors, dentists, my own work and after school activities because BM was high conflict and yes my husband was expecting me to fill in all the time. Specially after years of hearing around the world and back that im nobody just a step mother. I have no rights, I have no say….then why on gods green earth was I with all these children more than EITHER BIRTH PARENTS? And many steps can tell you if willing to admit it this is EXACTLY how this works. We arent forced per say to be in the new parent role but we arent helped NOT being in it either. I know my ex and his new SO have their moments because she will call me. And because we are doing what we can to co parent or even exist I do my best with her. Shes young and very new to it all. So when its my ex’s new SO picking up my son I allow her to vent asking how I do it with my SO’s ex. And even when she is late picking up my son I have to remind her hey let me know when running behind I do have sooo much more going on than you know and cant sit around waiting all day. Its a never ending battle in the blended world of high conflict. And yes my ex doesnt even get it some days. And gets all boohoo when I remind him we schedule things for a reason. No ones life surrounds just this other person. But even now my own SO sees he cant just rely on me to fill in because he has other things. Yes I am that wife that will stop look at the schedules I have plastered on an entire wall to keep up with 2 different exs on his side of this, my ex and his SO, and all the kids activities and what nots, and do what I cant to switch this here because someone cant pick up at this time or wont be on time….its sad. And now I can say my husband gets it. Sees I am really just one person. But for a long time he didnt. And neither did my ex with his new SO. Its not her job to watch our son but she does it for him and my son. And I have no issues with her doing so. Just that at times she just inexperienced and flips out a bit causing issues with me and the ex. Not all her fault he should be helping her. And its not always the dads either. My best friend is a step dad and his new wife is no different. She thinks he will just stop drop and roll for the kids when ever because she says so. Never thought id see this man cry but here recently he did. Asking me how do you do it? So I sat down showed him the peg board, dry erase calendar and sticky notes all over my house. He laughed saying guess there really is a method to all this madness. He like many struggle with both Bio parents dictating what when where and why, while trying to hold down a job, take care of his household, and be a dad to not only her children but his and then theirs. I tell people now more than ever Blended is truly an understatement to being in a Step Family situation…more like Ultimate Mixer, Blending, Folding, and Churning Families these days. My point in all this is everyone who wants to say they are my kids its my drama needs to stop step out of their box and look at what their other half is being put through. Cuz I know for fact that many steps or soon to be would build mile high walls around their lives if it would end half the high conflict drama we go through! But we cant so we stress, cry, scream and push on day in and day out.