How to Be a Good Stepfather

Five Parts:Establishing your roleSpending time with your step-childrenCommunicating with your step-childrenStepping backBeing a great role model

Being a stepparent can be both fulfilling and challenging. If you’ve married or partnered with a person who already has children, you have to consider them part of a package deal, to be loved, nurtured, and protected to the best of your ability. Being a good stepfather has all the elements of being a good father, as well as acknowledging that it takes time and willingness to establish your role as stepfather in a new family arrangement.

Part 1 of 5: Establishing your role

1. Beware that the children may also have their biological father as a father figure. Don’t try to compete with the biological father.
2. Be patient when waiting for your new stepchild to respond to your caring, affection, and love. Often, the child is deeply wounded by circumstances involving their biological mother and father and the breakdown of their primary, original family unit. For many, building a new relationship is threatening to them. Time is the best healer but so is keeping actively positive and supporting yourself whenever you’re around the child.

 Part 2 of 5: Spending time with your step-children

1. Spend time with the stepchild in his or her activities. Helping with schoolwork, projects, and attending sporting events or clubs like scouting they’re involved with will show them you’re willing to support their efforts. The more involved you are, the sooner the child will accept you in your role of alternative dad and be grateful that you’re a part of his or her life too.
2. Balance the time and gifts you give your own children with the stepchild.Both your own children and your stepchild are a part of your family now. Avoid playing favorites under any circumstances; each child is to be treated as equal, and no child deserves to be treated as an outcast.
   • Keep a watchful eye on how your stepchild interacts with your own children, if you have any. Jealousy is toxic to any relationship. If this appears to be occurring, try to head it off immediately. To maintain a happy family atmosphere, step-sibling anger must be dealt with fairly and prudently.
   • Never treat your stepchild like he or she is not worthy of your time or affection just because he or she is not your biological child.
   • Never make your stepchild feel like you don’t care or like them, or that they are in the way of your relationship with their mother.
3. Invite the stepchild to participate in your own activities. If you fish, golf, or do other hobby activities, where it is appropriate, take your stepchild along. Not only does this give the child a chance to see what you enjoy, but it gives his or her mother a break. On the other hand, never force the child to do what you’ve asked––if he or she shows a disinclination toward fishing or rewiring the house, don’t force it. Given time and your enthusiasm, the child might come around to trying it. But if he or she is never interested, then that’s just a reflection of his or her interests, not a reflection on you. Pushing the child to do things he or she hates just to try and prove you’re buddies will backfire. Instead, keep looking for common ground until you do find an activity the child would like to share with you.
   • Spend time with your stepchild and teach him or her ways to become a responsible adult.
   • Show the child you’re willing to help out in housework. It is important for children to understand that keeping a household is a family job, a shared household responsibility, and not just the mother’s. Don’t be old-fashioned, even if the child’s real father is.

Part 3 of 5: Communicating with your step-children

1. Communicate clearly and calmly. Let your stepchild know that you are available to talk whenever needed and be a good listener when your stepchild does come to you for a chat. Be open-minded and accepting of difference, as the child has had different experiences before you came along. Make your own preferences known without being harsh or intimidating––always explain your actions and preferences with sound reasons.
   • Never let the only interaction you have with your stepchild that day be yelling and screaming. You should always try to focus on the positive things they do and not always the things they are doing wrong.
   • Keep your negative opinions of the child’s biological father to yourself. Unless you’re asked directly, don’t bring up your opinions of him in front of the children or anyone else. If you are asked directly, be circumspect and tactful, as there is often a risk of an emotional overflow. Each parent’s parenting style is different and unless the father is not taking part in parenting at all or is abusive in any way, you don’t need to pass judgment.
   • Never argue with the child’s mother in front of the child. Be especially careful about making derogatory remarks about her where the child may hear. The child will be highly alert to any disharmony, mostly due to a sense of protectiveness toward the mother and holding a strong hope that this new relationship will result in creating a happy family arrangement.
2. Be openly caring. The child/ren will need your love and affection at all times, they will need you to be there whenever they need you, no matter what the situation. Moreover, they will need you to be the better parent at times, they will need you to stick up for them no matter what, and they will need you to give them a pass once in a while.
   • Be ready to listen to them and understand what they are going through or what they are trying to say.
   • Give them your fatherly shoulder to cry on at times or even just a hug or a kiss on the forehead or just a simple “I love you”.

Part 4 of 5: Stepping back

1. Respect the child’s private space. Any child, from preteen through their teen years deserve a reasonable amount of privacy and private space, and unless there is serious concern about the child’s behavior or activity, the more space they are given, the more trusted they will feel.
2. Raise the child in alignment with the child’s mother’s wishes, not contrary to them. This means having open lines of communication with the mother about her expectations and intentions for raising your stepchild, and having clarity on the direction both of you will take. As much as possible, defer to her preferences unless they are dangerous or threaten to destabilize the family or relationship the two of you have.
   • Respect the child’s mother’s disciplinary and homework regimens. Even if you think they may be out of line, don’t raise this in front of the child or make passing remarks that undermine her. Instead, talk to her privately about your concerns and try to reach a compromise that benefits the child.
   • Discuss decisions which affect your stepchild directly or indirectly with his or her mother. Don’t sign the child up for a summer at a military academy or sports camp without talking it over with her. Don’t buy the child firearms, fireworks or even seemingly harmless ones like paintball guns or BB guns without her knowledge and consent. Never take the child out on an ATV, snowmobile, micro-light or other potentially dangerous recreational vehicle without her express permission.
   • Talk about computer games, video games, and other cultural influences with the child’s mother. Social pressure will often press on mom to let the child do it, whatever “it” is, because everyone else is doing “it”. Each family should have its own standards and ethical codes to live by. The child’s mother needs your support and input on deciding whether to let the child have violent or graphic video games in the home, or allowing them to go to “R” rated movies with their friends.
   • Understand that your spouse is a mother and cannot always be free to spend alone time with you. There will be times when she will have to help the child or spend time with the child when you would really like her to be spending time with you.

Part 5 of 5: Being a great role model

1. Help plan the future of the stepchild. It may fall on you to begin a savings plan for college expenses, the first car, and helping to find that first job. Be actively involved in working out what is needed for the child’s future, talking to the mother first and then including the child where appropriate.
2. Be a good example to your stepchild. Smoking, excessive drinking, and recreational drugs have no place in a home with children in it. This may not be the politically correct position, but from the effects of secondhand smoke on young lungs, to the acceptance of illegal drugs as a “norm”, these are not good behaviors to model for children. If you have problems with addiction to substances, seek help. If you must smoke, always smoke outdoors, away from the child.
3. Remember, being a step-dad is a leadership role as part of a team. Accept the unique qualities of each team member, the limitations, even the eccentricities. There will be good times, even great times, but there will be conflict, disagreements, and letdowns. Patience, love, and a sympathetic view should help you through these challenges. You are the adult, no matter what the situation, you should remember that, and that problems may seem huge, but often will be forgotten in tomorrows rush, or laughed about next year.
   • Be yourself. It is almost impossible to set up pretense of doing, being, enjoying, or acting in ways that are not you. You may impress your stepchild for a while, but the real you will emerge sooner or later.
   • You chose to enter into a relationship with a woman with children, so you ultimately chose to be a role model and a parental figure to her child or children.
   • It is a good idea to keep a good rapport with your stepchild’s biological father, except in cases where he is not welcome in your stepchild’s life. A large proportion of stepfathers are good friends with the biological fathers of their stepchildren––both men are acting in the best interest of the child and collaborate. If both men are reasonable, impasses are uncommon.
   • Never pass up an opportunity to tell you stepchild that you love him or her.
4. Try to forget that he/she is not your biological child. Sometimes always thinking about it would make you feel uneasy and unnatural around your child. Just treat him/her as you would your own child: if you love your spouse so much, why shouldn’t you love her child?

Tips

• Small earned rewards that are equally thoughtful are even more compelling in winning a child’s affection. When you appreciate their achievements with something tangible, even a gumball machine sticker, and it’s something you know exactly which one they like best because you paid attention to them, that brings out the best in them. It reinforces their good behavior more thoroughly than any punishment and it communicates that you’re both fair and you think well of them. Children really care about fairness. Rewarding them with praise and thanking them whenever they do something for you shows, not tells the child you’re a good man. You know what’s good and you do it, you walk the walk.
• Pay attention to what’s cool about them and get in the habit of bragging about your stepchildren the way you do your own. “My little stepdaughter is so smart, she figured out how to use the computer faster than I did.” “My stepson is awesome, yesterday he was singing along with my favorite song and would you believe it, he was on key and he danced. He’s got a real talent!” Whatever their talents and interests are, take pride in them as part of your family. Don’t make a specific point of doing it in front of them. If you get in the habit, they’ll pick it up from how new people treat them and they’ll eventually overhear you because you won’t notice they’re listening. The less deliberate it is, the more powerful an impact this will have that you’re a real parent, a good late inning pinch-hitter they can count on. (This is also a good thing to do with your own children. It builds their confidence in life.)b
• Do not let the idea of wanting to be a “best friend” cloud your judgment. If a child wants to do something dangerous or that his or her Mother disapproves of, he or she may try to enlist you as an advocate for his or her side, and this puts you at odds with the Mother. Never say yes to the child without the other parent’s approval. Never ask the child to go or do anything without asking the mother first.
• For children under about ten years old, an especially beneficial opportunity for both of you is to play learning games. Set up creative reward-based games in line with or in advance of class curriculum. Involve your spouse once you have the ball rolling. Try to make activities of this type a fairly regular event––a time that your stepchild can expect to spend with you while mom or dad is away.
• Pay attention to each of the children, your kids and step-kids, as individuals.
• Don’t set unfair standards, especially not if they favor your kids over stepchildren. That will be taken the wrong way however it’s intended. Avoid even the appearance of unfairness. Discuss the rules with your partner when the children aren’t around and agree on them, then keep them consistent for all the children.
• Don’t go overboard with it but remember that children are easily bribed. Don’t do this with lots of money. It’s much better to observe closely, find out what that child really cares about most and give tiny well chosen gifts. A glass unicorn for a child’s collection, or a special issue comic book, a model project you can work on together or any hobby tool or supply makes a good small gift. Don’t do this every day but give them some welcoming gifts when you first move in and then once in a while spontaneously.
• Before you date someone with children, prepare yourself for the emotional toll that being a stepfather will require. “You’re not my real dad,” is indeed something you may hear. A good answer to it is “No, I’m not. I’m your step-dad. I love your mother and I love you because I see her in you. I don’t expect to be your father. But I want to be good for you. Like a good pinch hitter, I’m here to do my best but I am not trying to replace him. This is just my innings. I am still a real parent even though I’m not your real dad.”
• Spend one-on-one time with your stepchild/children. That will allow you to develop a good relationship with that child and get to know them. It will also show the child that you care enough about them to spend alone time with them.

 Warnings

• You will find there are times when your step-children try your patience or test your loyalty against them or the mother. Then you have to be the adult and think before you speak; how you say it will affect your relationship forever.
• Never put your spouse in the spot to have to choose between you or her child/children. She will often choose her child over her adult relationship, meaning you will lose out. Even if she chooses you over her child, you both lose out by losing the child’s respect and love.
• Don’t complain about every single thing your stepchild does. Remember that it’s not easy for this child to move into a new environment and to automatically learn to respect you.
• Never say “You should be more like your sibling/step-sibling” or compare them. Every child is a different human being with their own needs, talents, goals and personality. Take each of them for who they are and judge them in relation to their real abilities and talents. Learning something in their most difficult subject is a much bigger achievement than the latest gold star the kid who’s talented in it got. Effort should count when judging results.
• Do not think of your stepchildren as being brats or just naughty and as having no respect for you; try and see the situation from their point of view, through their hearts and eyes, especially when you know their history of disappointments and what and whom they expect you to be.
• Never complain about your stepchildren to strangers. Just don’t go there. Don’t do this with your own children either. When you talk about your step-kids or your kids, put their best foot forward and talk about what you like about them. It reflects badly on you if they’re that awful and implies you’re not getting along well with your new partner.
• Becoming a stepfather puts you in a position of responsibility for protecting the child from a host of dangers. Be aware of the risks which the child faces and be on the lookout for dangers around the home. Small children suffer from terrible harm every day because of carelessness.
• Don’t give them rewards for every routine chore and average behavior. They’ll start doing it just for the reward and lose interest in their hobbies if you do too much rewarding. Save rewards for special achievements like grade level rises, extra special cleaning up, any time the kid’s done something much better than usual.

What Step-dad’s Should Know About Meeting The Biological Dad For the First Time

In blended families, it is common to pick up and drop off children to the parent that doesn’t have custody. That parent may also come to your home to pick up or drop off a child. If you have never met one another the first time you pick up (or he drops off) the child can be a bit nerve-wracking. For step-dad’s, it can be an intense and nervous moment. There may be a lot of thoughts that are running through your head. Your first thought may be, “How do I compare to this guy?”  This especially comes to mind if you are made aware that the bio-father is financially better off than you or if (after meeting him) you think that he looks better than you do. Don’t be intimidated by any of this stuff. Remember that the relationship he had with your now spouse is over- and it ended for a reason. Now, she is with you.

You may be nervous, as a step-father, when having to meet your step-child’s bio-father, but he may be nervous too.  Your spouse may not show it, but she is almost as nervous as you are!

When the bio-father arrives, your first instinct may be to hide. Resist that instinct. Do not try to hide somewhere because you should give the bio-father the courtesy of meeting the man that is going to be a part of his child’s life.

When introduced: greet him, say hello and be kind. Hopefully he will be kind too. (Sometimes he will not be kind back.)  He will most likely be reserved and may not even show any emotion towards you. He’s not doing that because he hates you, he is just being cautious. Remember that you are there with his child. He loves his child and he doesn’t know you at all. He is acting just like any other concerned parent with their child around a stranger. (Which, you are.)

After the greeting: It’s okay to give your spouse and him a little space. (Especially when the conversation turns towards the child.) At that point you can excuse yourself out of the room so that the situation is less intense and everyone can relax a little. Let the parents’ converse about the child without interrupting. Remember, they were having these conversations before you came into the picture and they are necessary conversations for the child’s well-being.

When the child is about to leave with his father: If you are to the point in your step-relationship with the child that he is affectionate towards you and/or gives you hugs before leaving the house, try to get that out of the way before the bio- father shows up. I think it’s good to say goodbye to the child, but try to get all the hugs and, if you’re lucky, statements about how much you guys will miss each other- out the way before he is picked up. It’s not that you are trying to hide your great relationship with the child, it’s that you don’t want the bio-father to be super uncomfortable the first time you guys are meeting.

The main thing is to put yourself into his shoes and think: would you want to see your child hugging a strange man before being handed off to you?

A word of advice to mothers:  I think that the only right thing to do is to inform the bio-father that you are dating (or married) to someone else way before he ever has to “accidentally” meet that person.  Your ex should also know that your current significant other/husband will be present during some pick-ups and drop-offs. Informing your ex will make things slightly less awkward.

Lastly, it’s a good to show intimacy towards your partner once the child leaves. As soon as the door closes go find your spouse and give him a hug and a kiss. It reminds him that he is the one you chose to be with. This will lighten the mood and get things back to normal quickly.

Remarried Moms Twice as Likely to be Left by Husband -Study Shows

 by Kat Jackson o September 08, 2013

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Being left waiting at the church might be the least of your worries, ladies. A recent survey shows there could be a bigger problem on the horizon. The results from 2013 Stepdadding.com survey of men surprised Stacey James Wheeler, who authored the study. “Theres’s a lot we know about the challenges Stepdads face.” says Wheeler. “The survey showed us a lot more to learn. In traditional couples wives are usually the ones who request a divorce. In blended families husbands are the ones who decide to leave.” In fact, the study showed that Stepdads are twice as likely to ask for a divorce -compared to biological fathers.

With a bombshell revelation like that the reasonable next question is ‘why.’ Wheeler think’s he knows the answer. “The study painted a picture of unhappy men who weren’t prepared for the stresses of becoming a father.” The majority of men in the survey reported they felt their role wasn’t defined. They said they didn’t understand what their wives wanted from them.” The detailed replies form the survey showed how unprepared many Stepdads are. One respondent said  ”I thought I knew how to do it (be a step-dad) but I didn’t.” Many men seem to go in blindly and are shocked by the stresses of becoming an instant parent. It’s especially difficult if the man has no children of his own. It obvious that more communication would help.

Most of the Stepdads also said they felt unappreciated by their spouse and nearly a third said it was harder than they expected. About thirty percent also reported they had problems with the children’s biological father. “These were the same factors divorced Stepdads said led them to leave.” said Wheeler. “When wives know about these trigger issues they can clearly reduce their odds of divorce.” The respondents’ honest answers painted a new picture of the Stepdad situation around the world. Wheeler, who is a Family Dynamics Researcher believes allowing the men to answer the survey questions anonymously resulted in more honest results. He believes these answers can be used to help more couples avoid divorce. “These guys were painfully blunt in their responses. The anonymity allowed them to talk about how they really feel. Their answers give us new tools to help couples succeed.”

Are Ladies With Teens Out of Luck?

Another finding from the study is how kids’ ages factor into guy’s interest in marrying a single mom. “We found men are a bit more likely to marry a woman with younger kids-as opposed to teens” says Wheeler. “The most common age of kids at the time of marriage was between two and seven. Since couples usually date before marriage it’s safe to assume guys are more likely to date mom’s with kids aged one to six -and less attracted to mothers when their kids are older.” Does this mean ladies with teens are out of luck? Wheeler doesn’t think so. “The difference between the younger kids and those 16 and older wasn’t huge. In the end, love might be a bigger factor than the kid’s ages.”

The results are clear. Finding your kids’ future Stepdad is only half of the chore. Keeping him might be the harder part. But it can be done, Ladies! The take-away form the survey results is clear: Be sure to help your new husband succeed. Talk about his role and help him bond with the children. The more involved he is in being your partner in raising the kids, the better your odds of avoiding divorce.

Thoughts????

I was reading an article online (https://www.facebook.com/StepParents/posts/921932141204091) discussing the whole topic of leaving a child in a car while running a few errands. About mid section of the read the woman talks about harassment. This got me to thinking about the whole ordeal and what a step parent goes through.

First lets look at this from the bio moms side. The women in the article leave their children unattended in their cars or whatever for a short period of time. Along side talk about letting your child walk alone to a friends or to play unattended at the park. As a bm myself and my own personal opinion leaving a child in a car and it being right or wrong has issues. One the age, location etc. Now would I ever leave my infant or toddler in a car anywhere unattended? NO! I remember my mom leaving me and our dog in her car when I was very young and in our driveway. I pulled the gear shifter and our car started to roll onto the main street where large trucks hauling rock and gravel traveled daily. So ive learned my lesson. Now think about if they were say 9-14 yrs old. Still this has its issues. Would I leave them in the car in the drive…depends on how well my kids are honestly. Especially if I were to run into a store. I dont feel comfortable leaving my 9 yr old in the car while running in to pay for gas let alone a grocery store. 15 yrs old and older now we are just being silly if we think leaving them in a car for a few is wrong. Today most states dont even have age requirements for children to be when babysitting or left alone in a home so why be all grrr pre-teens and teens left in a car.  Secondly the whole park or walking to a friends. Honestly this truly should depend on many factors. Location for starters. If you live in a seriously unsafe or unsure area NO never let your children do this. I live in a historical district and still the thought kills me of letting any of my kids walk anywhere with out me. I still will walk with them even to the park which is less than 5 blocks from our house. But ive seen the horrors of society and just wont let my kids venture off with out someone with them. Outside of location truly the other serious thought is how well behaved or mature your child is. But you can see where im going with all this.

Now lets look at this from a step moms side. I am also a step mom so I can tell you my bio fears are nothing compared to the fears set in me as the step. Specially with todays society keeping step parents under the scope for any slight moment of mess up or failure. So already im a nut about safety and all that so you can only imagine my behavior when my step daughter wants to play with the girl 3 houses down. Im sure my neighbors think im insane but I will walk her down. She knows when she is ready to come home to hit me up on her Ipod and I will meet her down there. Same goes for school come nicer weather. Im lucky to have family live literally in the middle of her school and our home. Because yes like any other mom im sometimes behind on my time frames. Half days are the worst for me because I forget them right up until I know shes walking half way home. Thank god for my aunt who remembers them and watches her walk to her house. By that time im walking my old self up the street to see her almost to my aunts. Then we walk home. So at this point im sure you can tell there is never a time EVER where id leave my step kids in the car no matter how old, where at, and for what amount of time. WHY? Because of the simple fact that as a step im looked at daily, hourly, every single second these kids are around me. I know for fact that the very second I slip, make one mistake BM will have a fit and we will be back in court. So just imagine if one of these moms was a step and BM found out that they left a child in the car….The wrath of Satan will be upon that step mom so fast they wont know what hit them.

Point here is should we as any parent leave our children in cars? Is it harassment by strangers calling the cops? And do you honestly think a step mom wouldnt be crucified far more than a bio for doing any of this?

Mom loses custody for alienating dad

In a stunning and unusual family law decision, a Toronto judge has stripped a mother of custody of her three children after the woman spent more than a decade trying to alienate them from their father.

 By: Tracey Tyler LEGAL AFFAIRS REPORTER

In a stunning and unusual family law decision, a Toronto judge has stripped a mother of custody of her three children after the woman spent more than a decade trying to alienate them from their father.

The mother’s “consistent and overwhelming” campaign to brainwash the children into thinking their father was a bad person was nothing short of emotional abuse, Justice Faye McWatt of the Superior Court of Justice wrote in her decision.

The three girls, ages 9 to 14, were brought to a downtown courthouse last Friday and turned over to their father, a vascular surgeon identified only as A.L.

Their mother, a chiropodist identified as K.D., was ordered to stay away from the building during the transfer and to have her daughters’ clothing and possessions sent to their father’s house.

McWatt stipulated that K.D. is to have no access to the children except in conjunction with counselling, including a special intensive therapy program for children affected by “parental alienation syndrome.” The mother must bear the costs.

Harold Niman, the father’s lawyer, said the decision serves as a wake-up call to parents who, “for bitterness, anger or whatever reason,” decide to use their children to punish their former partners.

“Maybe if they realize the courts will actually step in and do something and there is a risk of not only losing custody, but having no contact with their children, they’ll think twice about it,” Niman said in an interview.

McWatt’s judgment was released Jan. 16 and published on legal databases this week. By yesterday, it was a hot topic within the family law bar.

The judge said awarding A.L. sole custody was the children’s only hope for having a relationship with their father, given their mother’s long-running transgressions.

These include ignoring court orders, shutting the door in A.L.’s face when he came to collect the children and refusing to answer the phone when he called to say goodnight. (He was granted telephone access to say good night on Monday, Wednesday and Friday). At times, she also arranged for police to show up when her daughters had overnight visits with their father.

Eventually, K.D. cut off contact altogether, refusing to allow A.L. to see or speak with his daughters. He was reduced to shouting goodnight to them through the door of their home, often not knowing whether they were there.

“It is remarkable that A.L. has not given in to the respondent’s persistence in keeping his children from him over the last fourteen years and simply gone on with his life without the children as, no doubt many other parents in the same situation would have and, indeed, have done,” McWatt said.

The mother squandered several chances to change her behaviour and is unable to accept it is in her children’s best interests to have a relationship with their father, the judge said.

Nicholas Bala, a Queen’s University law professor who specializes in family law, said “badmouthing” or negative attitudes by one parent toward another is quite common among separated couples. But in recent years, the justice system has begun to understand the harmful effects of the worst form of this behaviour.

In most cases, the problem is resolved through counselling, where parents are encouraged to accept they’ll both always be in their children’s lives, said Bala. “I tell them, `… if you’re the survivor, you’ll be going to the other’s funeral, not because you love that person, but to support your children.’

“Having said that, there are some people – and I think some of them are suffering from personality disorders – who will not respond to therapy and will not respond to directions from judges.”

Transferring custody is a last resort, because “it can be quite dramatic and traumatic” – yet sometimes better than the alternative, said Bala.

“We often talk about the best interests of the child, but often it’s the least detrimental alternative, really.”

Bala said courts are unlikely to take such a drastic step without hearing expert testimony about what’s happening in the family. A child may be avoiding a parent for legitimate reasons such as physical or emotional abuse.

McWatt heard testimony from Barbara Fidler, a Toronto mediator and clinical psychologist who predicted eight years ago the three girls were at risk of becoming alienated from their father.

The Office of the Children’s Lawyer argued the family dynamics could not continue.

Fidler said research points to long-term damage in people alienated from a parent in childhood.

Children are more susceptible at about age 10 or 11, after their brains have developed to the point where they can hold positive and negative information about a parent.

If what one parent is saying about the other doesn’t accord with their own perceptions, they can become confused.

In some cases, the only way out of the emotional conflict is to take one parent’s side. The child can even begin inventing his or her own reasons for hating the other parent, the court was told.

Early intervention is best, Niman said.”Really, parental alienation is a process. If you can nip it in the bud, that’s the best advice I can give to clients.

“Because the longer it goes on, the more difficult it can be to undo.”

Step Mothers Confession

April 27, 2015 at 10:37am

For the many years I have been a step mother i’ve seen and heard it all. Over the past few years and with the up rise of fathers rights I have been working and researching to help fathers like my husband on gaining any ground to see his children equally. In one interview I was asked one question.  “Whats the worst thing about being a step parent in a high conflict battle with the ex and court?”

I’ve sat for weeks now thinking about this. Literally tossing and turning at night, walking lost in the grocery store, anywhere you can think I was pondering over this question. Yes at times the lack of respect or the moments of feeling completely unappreciated do hurt. Those moments where you question why am I even here doing this? Some days so terrifying and hard that I should have packed up my bags and moved on. Yet even though i’ve survived the threats, the constant in and outs of court beside my husband, the thousands of dollars lost to a very corrupt system NONE of that compared to what came to my mind just recently.

To simply answer the question I was asked is not an easy task. But early last week my oldest step daughter came to me. My husband has full custody of her and we do spend more time together than either of her bio parents. As we sat around the table talking she asked me the same question, more in child terms though. “Mommy what’s the hardest thing about being a step parent?” For some crazy reason this question had an answer quicker than the one asked of me in my interview.

The hardest thing about being a step parent in a high conflict battle with the ex and court is watching the children as well as the alienated parent suffer. And even harder is not being able to fix their pains. A mothers job no matter what the before title is is to protect and fix all the bad in a childs life. That never stops even when it comes to our spouses. We maybe wives but in the end we are still honoring a mothers role. Doing laundry, cooking meals, fixing the booboos and all that comes with being a mother. Supporting their dreams, pushing them toward their goals. No matter if its the children or our spouses we still act on the mothers instinct and do as we should. (Most of us that is)

And as a step mother I can tell you watching not only this little girl cry but watching her father do so every time the courts say NO to any request he may have to see his other children its heartbreaking. With the pain that is caused daily when these two start their day passing by empty bedrooms that the court forced us to have with no children in them. To hear a little voice say “Mommy can I wear my sisters clothes today? I miss her.” Can break the strongest of people in half. Daddy Daughter Dances are the worst. You can see it in my husbands eyes as he knows again another year passes and only one of his daughters will get to walk in dressed to the nines with him and dance the night away to theme songs and streamers.

Father son outings in the park brings him to a eerie quiet for days as he gets the letter from the park district announcing this years annual event. All because again another year passes where him and his boys cant join in on the fun. As the other parent living in a home watching this you feel helpless because there is truly nothing you can do to fix the pains. Therapy, constant talks with groups who have others living the same nightmare do little at the end of the day when you watch your broken family slowly walk into the house heads down and holding back the tears.

Families torn apart leave huge holes in a home. The family photos are suddenly never renewed. Christmas becomes just another day. Birthdays are pushed aside because after years of never seeing the other children a father will sink into a depression no one can fix. Other children left behind become distant and unsociable. Its something a step parent cant fix. Only the other bio parent can fix this and they know it. They know that they have the power to control everything at this point. And the live for it.

People question why step parents end up ending a marriage…this is why! Marriage alone is a lifetime of work and compromise! But when you add in all ive talked about some just cant take the pain of seeing the very people they love hurting so immensely they end up walking away in hopes that this will stop the pain. Praying as they hold back tears that once the other bio parent sees they won at ridding THEMSELVES of this step parent that the children will be able to come home. Be a family again with the other parent and children.  Sadly this never happens. Because the other bio parent will remain on high knowing that they have and will always have control.

Only way this cycle stops is if the court systems ends this evil cycle. I have sat and listened to judge after judge tell my husband he will go to jail if he doesnt follow what the BM wants. Literally digging that knife deeper into his stomach. Risks of losing his other children he has no choice but to follow the orders. No matter how much evidence shows this woman has lied, manipulated and abused all involved. Nothing changes.

So yes the hardest thing about being a step is NOT being appreciated or seen for the one whos stepping up. But the one is is forced to watch their entire family suffer and not having the ability to help or fix it. Which any mother out there can tell you when you cant help your sick child its torture. When you cant help your husband through things its torture!

JASP