For the many years I have been a step mother i’ve seen and heard it all. Over the past few years and with the up rise of fathers rights I have been working and researching to help fathers like my husband on gaining any ground to see his children equally. In one interview I was asked one question. “Whats the worst thing about being a step parent in a high conflict battle with the ex and court?”
I’ve sat for weeks now thinking about this. Literally tossing and turning at night, walking lost in the grocery store, anywhere you can think I was pondering over this question. Yes at times the lack of respect or the moments of feeling completely unappreciated do hurt. Those moments where you question why am I even here doing this? Some days so terrifying and hard that I should have packed up my bags and moved on. Yet even though i’ve survived the threats, the constant in and outs of court beside my husband, the thousands of dollars lost to a very corrupt system NONE of that compared to what came to my mind just recently.
To simply answer the question I was asked is not an easy task. But early last week my oldest step daughter came to me. My husband has full custody of her and we do spend more time together than either of her bio parents. As we sat around the table talking she asked me the same question, more in child terms though. “Mommy what’s the hardest thing about being a step parent?” For some crazy reason this question had an answer quicker than the one asked of me in my interview.
The hardest thing about being a step parent in a high conflict battle with the ex and court is watching the children as well as the alienated parent suffer. And even harder is not being able to fix their pains. A mothers job no matter what the before title is is to protect and fix all the bad in a childs life. That never stops even when it comes to our spouses. We maybe wives but in the end we are still honoring a mothers role. Doing laundry, cooking meals, fixing the booboos and all that comes with being a mother. Supporting their dreams, pushing them toward their goals. No matter if its the children or our spouses we still act on the mothers instinct and do as we should. (Most of us that is)
And as a step mother I can tell you watching not only this little girl cry but watching her father do so every time the courts say NO to any request he may have to see his other children its heartbreaking. With the pain that is caused daily when these two start their day passing by empty bedrooms that the court forced us to have with no children in them. To hear a little voice say “Mommy can I wear my sisters clothes today? I miss her.” Can break the strongest of people in half. Daddy Daughter Dances are the worst. You can see it in my husbands eyes as he knows again another year passes and only one of his daughters will get to walk in dressed to the nines with him and dance the night away to theme songs and streamers.
Father son outings in the park brings him to a eerie quiet for days as he gets the letter from the park district announcing this years annual event. All because again another year passes where him and his boys cant join in on the fun. As the other parent living in a home watching this you feel helpless because there is truly nothing you can do to fix the pains. Therapy, constant talks with groups who have others living the same nightmare do little at the end of the day when you watch your broken family slowly walk into the house heads down and holding back the tears.
Families torn apart leave huge holes in a home. The family photos are suddenly never renewed. Christmas becomes just another day. Birthdays are pushed aside because after years of never seeing the other children a father will sink into a depression no one can fix. Other children left behind become distant and unsociable. Its something a step parent cant fix. Only the other bio parent can fix this and they know it. They know that they have the power to control everything at this point. And the live for it.
People question why step parents end up ending a marriage…this is why! Marriage alone is a lifetime of work and compromise! But when you add in all ive talked about some just cant take the pain of seeing the very people they love hurting so immensely they end up walking away in hopes that this will stop the pain. Praying as they hold back tears that once the other bio parent sees they won at ridding THEMSELVES of this step parent that the children will be able to come home. Be a family again with the other parent and children. Sadly this never happens. Because the other bio parent will remain on high knowing that they have and will always have control.
Only way this cycle stops is if the court systems ends this evil cycle. I have sat and listened to judge after judge tell my husband he will go to jail if he doesnt follow what the BM wants. Literally digging that knife deeper into his stomach. Risks of losing his other children he has no choice but to follow the orders. No matter how much evidence shows this woman has lied, manipulated and abused all involved. Nothing changes.
So yes the hardest thing about being a step is NOT being appreciated or seen for the one whos stepping up. But the one is is forced to watch their entire family suffer and not having the ability to help or fix it. Which any mother out there can tell you when you cant help your sick child its torture. When you cant help your husband through things its torture!
JASP
Just A Step Parent? 