As children we have dreams of happiness that now when you look back seemed soo big. As a little girl you sit there wishing for your knight in shinning armor to come save you from the dark forces around you. Then as you reach a age where you see there is no knight you begin to wonder if finding happiness in one person is even possible. Finally as an adult in your 30s you find him. Hes not perfect like you imagined as a child but hes soo close its enough to say ok this is it. He loves you no matter your faults, little quirks and even your bad habits. Each day you wake with this man you are reminded over and over again that a true real love is possible. But then there seems to be that one thorn causing you and your new love pain. The ex! She is ruthless, manipulative and vindictive! Every night before you turn off the lights you hear that great man crying. You have seen the tears hit the floor every single night that his ex shows up and takes his children away from his side. Every moment that she tears him and his children apart you have to witness the tears! Not only his but his childrens. But what can you do? You are told you are JUST A STEP PARENT. She wont even acknowledge your their STEP MOM! Each event is another dagger into your perfect life. The babies crying, the husband crying……where does the pain stop?
I have spent far to many nights watching this great injustice happen. And even now with the battle grounds of court drawn I have to sit quietly watching this man and his children cry and suffer at the hands of one woman. I ask WHY? I simply ask WHY?
Monthly Archives: February 2013
The Weak Link
LIVING IN THE STEP
The world through the eyes of one Step Mom
Is it normal, as a step mom, to know your significant other’s custody papers like an old book that you’ve read a half dozen times but find yourself going back to? Is it shameful to feel anger and resentment toward a person who is causing harm to your family harmony? Are you crossing a boundary for loving, caring, and having concern for children that you did not birth?
Let me answer those questions with some questions. If there was not an ex would any of your actions garner a second glance? Would you even be concerned about calling these children yours in public settings? I’d bet not.
Growing up, I had a step-dad. My biological father was a huge ball of mess, so after a while he drifted away, to make a long story short. So, my step dad was free to assume his spot, and he did so perfectly. Because of this blessing, my childhood was a pretty good one. He showed up to concerts, we piled out of our van to go to the grocery store together, and he hugged us kids without a moments pause or a second glance from those that knew our situation. I called him dad and he introduced me as his daughter. I wouldn’t have it any other way. In fact, I don’t even think about him not being my bio-dad anymore. Sadly, this is an exception rather than a rule.
As fate would have it, I, too, got involved with a person who had kids. However, the 
experience has been like night and day in contrast to my own with my dad. Financially i’m the same, emotionally there’s not difference, and the age bracket that my skids are in are almost identical to what age I was when he came into the picture. So, where is the harm being caused? What is making my situation so disgruntled? Why do I stay up all hours of the night worried that my presence is causing more harm than it is good?
The only difference is just a slight step to the side of what I experienced, but it makes a WORLD of difference. The thin, glass like separation that I have between the kids and myself is their biological mother. Strangely, our end goals may not be much different. Although we are no longer on speaking terms, considering our positions in the lives of the kids are very similar, I think it’s an assumption that is not too far off base. But, because of her involvement with them, when they accidentally call me ‘mom’, it’s immediately corrected because of the stipulations she’s put on them. When I go to the store and somebody says that they all look just like me, there’s this awkward glance the kids give to me. And, when we go to events with her there, we get an automatic attitude change from the kids that is extremely frustrating.
Where does it come from? Who is to blame? According to Dr. Karen Gail Lewis, a certified Marriage and Family Therapist, “If the kids divide up in supporting the parents, and often they do in a way to balance the emotional power, children will side with the weaker parent.” So, when I watch my 5 year old step son worry about what she will think, or my 9 year old step son avoid us all together when she’s around when he’s normally a very loving, outgoing child I tend to want to point fingers in her direction. But is that right? Is it even my place to be concerned enough to ponder?
If i’m supposed to be deciding what they eat, monitoring their hygiene, and helping with their homework, i’d say the answer to that question would be ‘Absolutely!’ After much consideration, however, around the start of the new year, i’ve greatly reduced my reactions to her actions and my willingness to discuss anything to do with her when the kids ask questions has all but ceased. I’ve had my head bit off one too many times and my words twisted far too often to make my interaction with her directly not worth the effort. Not to mention, the ones who end up suffering the most from my unintentional offenses are the kids. I decided that having them hurt because of me was no longer going to happen.
Watching the boys hurt when I know what it could be like is hard to watch, but it wouldn’t go away if I was not there. My presence did not make the biological parents of these children any different. Their loyalty that they feel like they have to express did not show up because of my existence and will not fade if I leave. So, when I ask myself, late at night when my head won’t calm down enough for me to sleep, if i’m in it for the right reasons or if my actions are pure I remind myself that they are my family and I love them; that I am simply protecting and loving my family as if I started it myself. I remind myself and keep pushing on.
Top 5 Surprises About Blending a Family
Top 5 Surprises About Blending a Family
by Just a Step Parent? on Tuesday, February 19, 2013 at 12:48pm ·
Top 5 Surprises About Blending a Family
JANUARY 10, 2013
by Mary Beth Sammons
From inheriting step children to dealing with biological moms and ex-wives, navigating the challenges and surprises of blending families is rarely easy. Here, Circle of Moms members offer insights into the biggest surprises they faced.
1. How Difficult the Role of Stepmom Is
For many moms who remarry, the biggest surprise is that the skills they’ve already honed as moms don’t prepare them for the role of stepmom.
Gayla G., author of the blog Stepparenting with Grace , explains: “When I married my second husband, I had two daughters already and loved being a mom,” she says. “But I was surprised to find out how difficult the role of stepmom was and the degree of emotional impact step parenting had.”
Claudette of The Stepmom Coach Blog was similarly surprised by how complicated and challenging being a stepmom is, noting, “It was not easy to find my way.” For Claudette, the realization inspired her to seek support and guidance from other stepmoms.
2. How the Kids Adapt
So much is written about how creating a yours-and-his family can be challenging for the children. As a result, Maureen T. says she was prepared for the experience to be stressful at times, and committed herself to being patient. But instead, she was happy to discover the opposite was true in her family. “The most surprising part of being in a blended familyis how well the children adapted,” she shares.
Carine L. says she too expected that the second union could have its share of predictable hurdles, but was pleasantly surprised at the smooth transition. Her biggest surprise? “[When my step kids] asked to call me mom — especially because they have their own mom.” Erin H. shares a similar experience: “I’ve been pleasantly surprised that my step kids have accepted me and look to me as someone they respect.”
3. The Ex-Wife’s Feelings
It’s almost a given that moms in blended families expect a little friction with their husband’s ex and the mother of her step children. But the intensity of the hostility can be surprising for many moms.
“The biggest surprise came from my husband’s ex-wife,” says Jenna K., author of the Step Mom Help blog. Since the duo had been divorced for six years, Jenna says she assumed there wouldn’t be problems in that department. “[I] soon realized ‘she’ was going to be my toughest challenge, not the kids.”
Chanda W., who writes Step Living, also wasn’t prepared for how her relationship with her step kids could be negatively affected by their biological mom’s attitude: “What surprised me about my current ‘blended family’ is how profoundly a biological mother’s attitude/temperament/personality determines the kids’ attitude toward their stepmother.”
4. Missing Single Motherhood
As a single mom, Carol S. yearned to get married and create a new family. But as her blended family was melding, she found herself suddenly longing for her former single mom lifestyle. It caught her off guard, she shares: “I was surprised by how much harder it was than being a single mother and how much I missed, even longed for, being a single mom again with just my two girls.”
Carol adds that marrying a man with three kids was a lot more work than she bargained for. What surprised her most: “[All the] negotiation, consensus building and conflict resolution involved that I didn’t have to deal with before as a single parent.”
5. The Depth of Love for New Step Kids
Falling in love with a new spouse may have been easy, but many moms worry whether they can love step children as much as their biological children. For Barb G., it was a pleasant surprise to discover how deeply she fell in love with her new step kids. “I knew that I loved my step children when I married my husband,” she says. “The surprise is that the love is no different than the love I have for my bio child.”
How to Cope With Narcissistic Parents
How to Cope With Narcissistic Parents
by Just a Step Parent? on Sunday, January 20, 2013 at 5:27pm ·
How to Cope With Narcissistic Parents
A child who has a narcissistic parent faces a considerable challenge. Often times narcissistic parents are too self-consumed and concerned about themselves to sufficiently meet the needs of their child. Narcissists can easily manipulate their children and create unhealthy living environments.
Things You’ll Need
- Support group
- Counselor
- Professional online resources
Instructions
-
- Read articles about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Understand how narcissism works and how it effects the person who suffers from it. Narcissistic people have a mental disorder that is often difficult for those affected by it to recognize it in themselves. Narcissism is defined as having an over inflated sense of self importance. People with narcissism believe that they are superior to other people and strive for others to admire them. Narcissistic parents may have a low regard for others, while simultaneously possessing low self esteem and easily taking offense to criticism.
- 2Join a support group. Talk with peers who are dealing with narcissistic parents. Support groups provide safe environments where participants can relate to similar challenges and discuss methods of coping. Understanding how the narcissistic brain works, talking it out with others and seeing that you are not alone may help you to cope with a narcissistic parent.
- 3Support the parent. If you are aware that your parent is narcissistic, support will not only help the parent, but will help you take more control of the situation. Sometimes, to avoid confrontation, you have to take into consideration that your parent does have a disorder. You can do this by not arguing over trivial matters, and attempting to findactivities you can share. You can also go to counseling together. A narcissistic parent may not agree that she has this disorder, but she may agree to go to counseling with you. Because of extreme personality differences between a parent and child, counseling may help address conflicts and give the parent tools to recognize her harmful behavior. It may even create a closer bond between you both.
Tips & Warnings
- Even when recognizing that you have a narcissistic parent, remember to care for your health and safety.
Read more: How to Cope With Narcissistic Parents | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_5592278_cope-narcissistic-parents.html#ixzz2IYsBgHiP
Talking to the Kids
Talking to the Kids
by Just a Step Parent? on Monday, February 11, 2013 at 10:55am ·
Seems from time to time we receive messages, emails or texts about how to talk to the younger children involved in these high conflict situations. It is very difficult to get a younger child to open up specially if one parent is always making it an issue to the child that their feelings say about another parent or other adult involved is wrong. Children do take what their BP’s say very much to heart. So if you have say a 5 yr old who is told loving the step parent or other BP is wrong they will shut down while with those people. You will get responses to your daily inquiries on how they are with a simple, “Fine” “Im ok”…short answers that really tell you one thing….THEY ARE NOT WILLING TO OPEN UP FREELY! So what can you do? Im sure there are millions of books out there filled with page after page of different things to do. But we over the year have seen a few simple things that seem to work wonders and at no cost to your wallet, or time frame while sitting down trying to read some book.
TALK TIME:Talk time was something I personally came up with after doing some serious thinking about what we could do help better communicate with my husbands children once they came back from extended periods of time with their BM. Works for most children around 5 and older. Unless you feel they are mature enough to understand then any child can participate. Basically its simple. No tv, music or distractions. The child or children are allowed one hour or so with the parent or parents to spill their guts…LOL. Rules are you listen as well as hear! No commenting until each child is done. AND THE MOST IMPORTANT: You cant get angry at what others say or feel. There has to be a level of trust here and if a child feels everything they say is going to upset you then the likeihood that they are going to open up is little to none. So being honest, patient and understanding is very needed during talk time.
Journals:This is one I learned in therapy. Basically if your child can draw or write even then you have the makings of a Journal. We recommend that everyone in the family get one. This way for a few minutes or whatever each day you have the child with you, you all sit down somewhere. Grab up journals and go to town. For children who draw because of the lack of writing skills just yet, never tell them what to draw. Explain to your child or children that Journal Time is so that we all can put down how we feel on paper to share with each other. What they draw or write is fine. NO JUDGEMENT OR ANGER! Then go at it. Let them put whats on their mind on paper. Once everyone is done for the first few times you do this ask if anyone would like to share? At first you may find your child or children dont want to share but in time they will find that this is an outlet for them and start sharing what they drew or even going as far as explaining a drawing to you. This is also good for you scrapbookers. Journals are a great source of material for scrapbooking.
Family or Individual Date Days:For the big families this takes some serious planning. But its another simple little way to get your child or children to open up and really start bonding with you. If you have a small family this can be divided up by hours or specific days of the month. Larger families like mine take some creative thinking. But its simple. You basically pick a time and day of the month where each parent spends SINGLE QUALITY DATE TIME with one child at a time. We do Mommy/Daughter Dates, Daddy/Daughter Dates, Grandma, Uncle, Aunts etc. Each child gets a day or a few hours with a specific adult where they either go to lunch, the park, heck even the dollar store to a child is fun. You just freely let the child be the CHILD! Number One Rule: There are no rules for the day! I just did my Mommy/Daughter Date with Penguin where at lunch we ordered whatever we wanted, and during the meal she looked at me and said Rule is there is no Rule so if we dont eat all our lunch its ok right mommy? And yes she was right. So you get the gist of it all.I hope some of this can help some of our parents out there. I know its helped us better earn trust and open that communication barrier that is put up by the BM. Shay
JASP
Why Step Moms Should Have a Say in Decision Making
Why Step Moms Should Have a Say in Decision Making
by Just a Step Parent? on Tuesday, February 19, 2013 at 12:35pm ·
Why Step Moms Should Have a Say in Decision Making
OCTOBER 5, 2012
by Mary Beth Sammons
Mallary M. is sick and tired of step-parents getting a bad rap. A step-mom herself, this Circle of Moms member feels that step-parents are uniquely qualified to play a significant role in blended family decision making. “Half the time it’s the step-parent who is the only one who can look past the issues and fighting going on between the biological parents and actually see what is best for the child,” she says.
Here, Mallary and other Circle of Moms members share five reasons why step-moms have a key role to play in family decision making — and why everyone wins when they participate fully. (For another perspective, see 3 Parenting Situations Off Limits to Step Parents.)
1. We’re a Family
Many moms believe that taking on the role of step-parent means sharing in all decisions with your spouse. “As a step parent, I am as much involved with decisions as my husband and vice versa since there were kids on both sides,” says Traci M. “After all, if you marry with children you not only marry that person, but their children as well. Sometimes, there are no brilliant answers for making children see the importance of what you are asking if it’s different from [what goes on in] their other home. Open lines of communication and making yourself available at all times is the best you can do.”
“Parents, step or biological, should have equal rights to decision making,” Dawn A. tells moms. “The decisions I make with my oldest daughter will affect the next four children growing up in our family. If I step out of the role of parent because a child is not my biological child you are only asking for problems with the boundaries for any children in your home.”
Sunshine R. agrees. “I believe they should have just as much [authority] as the biological parents do. If it weren’t for my step-dad, [who] I firmly believe he is my ‘real’ father, I wouldn’t have any direction or discipline in my life. He has been there since I was six-months-old. So I think the step-parent should have just as much say.”
2. The More Parental Figures The Better
Ultimately, having step-parents join biological parents in the decision making can be a positive situation for kids. “The fact is, when there is divorce, there is potential for other ‘parental’ figures to come into our children’s lives,” shares Donna W. “The main objective remains the same: making sure the kids have a safe and happy home in each home they are in. The words ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ don’t mean biological parent. I went into my relationship knowing that he had little ones. I knew that would mean that I would need to love them unconditionally, no matter what, that’s what all children need. And I made that choice.”
3. All Parents Should Share in Decisions
“My opinion [is that] ‘yours’ or ‘mine’ just doesn’t seem like the best way to go. I prefer ‘ours,'” says Shannon H. “All four of us are equally important in [my step-daughter’s] eyes, all four of us are involved in some aspect of her life, so all four of us have a say of what goes on in her life. Yes, our rules are different in each house, and yes, we don’t alwaysagree. Sometimes we have arguments, sometimes misunderstandings. But in the end, all four of us are raising her, so all four of us have a say of what goes on in her life.”
4. My House, My Rules
“As for the discipline in our house, I have just as much say as my husband,” states Emily B. “Sometimes, I am referred to as the ‘step-monster’ because I have rules and it does cause conflict between myself and my step-daughter and her mother at times. But…it is my house, so if you don’t like it then don’t come.”
5. Treat all Kids Equally
When it comes to blended families, especially if there are kids from both sides, it’s important for the step and biological parents to share in the discipline, says mom Jennifer L. “I have treated both the boys (my own and step-son) equal,” she declares. “I love his son as my own. I feel making decisions is important to do equally, my husband for my son, and me for his.
Just A Step Parent? 