Talking to the Kids
Seems from time to time we receive messages, emails or texts about how to talk to the younger children involved in these high conflict situations. It is very difficult to get a younger child to open up specially if one parent is always making it an issue to the child that their feelings say about another parent or other adult involved is wrong. Children do take what their BP’s say very much to heart. So if you have say a 5 yr old who is told loving the step parent or other BP is wrong they will shut down while with those people. You will get responses to your daily inquiries on how they are with a simple, “Fine” “Im ok”…short answers that really tell you one thing….THEY ARE NOT WILLING TO OPEN UP FREELY! So what can you do? Im sure there are millions of books out there filled with page after page of different things to do. But we over the year have seen a few simple things that seem to work wonders and at no cost to your wallet, or time frame while sitting down trying to read some book.
TALK TIME:Talk time was something I personally came up with after doing some serious thinking about what we could do help better communicate with my husbands children once they came back from extended periods of time with their BM. Works for most children around 5 and older. Unless you feel they are mature enough to understand then any child can participate. Basically its simple. No tv, music or distractions. The child or children are allowed one hour or so with the parent or parents to spill their guts…LOL. Rules are you listen as well as hear! No commenting until each child is done. AND THE MOST IMPORTANT: You cant get angry at what others say or feel. There has to be a level of trust here and if a child feels everything they say is going to upset you then the likeihood that they are going to open up is little to none. So being honest, patient and understanding is very needed during talk time.
Journals:This is one I learned in therapy. Basically if your child can draw or write even then you have the makings of a Journal. We recommend that everyone in the family get one. This way for a few minutes or whatever each day you have the child with you, you all sit down somewhere. Grab up journals and go to town. For children who draw because of the lack of writing skills just yet, never tell them what to draw. Explain to your child or children that Journal Time is so that we all can put down how we feel on paper to share with each other. What they draw or write is fine. NO JUDGEMENT OR ANGER! Then go at it. Let them put whats on their mind on paper. Once everyone is done for the first few times you do this ask if anyone would like to share? At first you may find your child or children dont want to share but in time they will find that this is an outlet for them and start sharing what they drew or even going as far as explaining a drawing to you. This is also good for you scrapbookers. Journals are a great source of material for scrapbooking.
Family or Individual Date Days:For the big families this takes some serious planning. But its another simple little way to get your child or children to open up and really start bonding with you. If you have a small family this can be divided up by hours or specific days of the month. Larger families like mine take some creative thinking. But its simple. You basically pick a time and day of the month where each parent spends SINGLE QUALITY DATE TIME with one child at a time. We do Mommy/Daughter Dates, Daddy/Daughter Dates, Grandma, Uncle, Aunts etc. Each child gets a day or a few hours with a specific adult where they either go to lunch, the park, heck even the dollar store to a child is fun. You just freely let the child be the CHILD! Number One Rule: There are no rules for the day! I just did my Mommy/Daughter Date with Penguin where at lunch we ordered whatever we wanted, and during the meal she looked at me and said Rule is there is no Rule so if we dont eat all our lunch its ok right mommy? And yes she was right. So you get the gist of it all.I hope some of this can help some of our parents out there. I know its helped us better earn trust and open that communication barrier that is put up by the BM. Shay
JASP
Just A Step Parent? 