Kids, mode swings, thoughts…

Yesterday was not one of my favorite days of the year for personal reasons. But I held my head high and trucked through the day. Like always at 3:30pm I drove up to the school and grabbed my daugher (step) and we heading home. The whole way she just smiled and chatted about her day at school. 5th grade is apparently filled with so much it’s like a child’s soap opera.  Once home she did her chores running in circles like usual. Once supper was over she sat down and did her nightly tv time with grams. I noticed as I finished up my own chores her body language suggested a mode change. She is in the beginning stages of puberty and since I was raised with 3 sisters these things are very noticeable.

Once done I sat in my chair and asked her during commercial what was up? She didn’t even flinch or respond. She knows this is a huge pet peeve with me. When someone talks to you you respond. So I asked again louder this time. She turns says NOTHING in that voice every parent HATES! So I pulled the LET’S TALK card. To her dislike I made her leave the living room and come sit with me. We don’t hold things in in this house. Too much drama comes from not speaking what’s on your mind. I asked her  a third time reminding her how much I hate repeating myself let alone being ignored then snipped at.

She wouldn’t even look up at me. SO I knew there was for sure something on this child’s mind. I said that she needed to talk cuz earlier she was all happy go lucky now she acts like someone told her no to ice cream, ran over her dog and stole her favorite toy. She finally says to me that she’s mad. I said continue. She goes on this huge rant about her BM and her ex SM. How she knows that we can’t change things people do or people in general but how it’s “TOTALLY” as she put it unfair that these two women lie and get away with the junk they do to her, dad and me.

At this point this child is so angry at the thoughts running through her head and out her mouth she is turning red and shaking. I got a lot of MOM it’s just not fair! Along with why do they hate you and dad so much to do this? Being the three of us are so close and tightly unified I can see where this all bothers her. She’s 10 going through puberty on top of so much in her life that it’s overwhelming. That and I can’t answer for why her BM or her ex SM would do 90% of what they have done and continue to do.

SO my response was this:
Baby we have talked about this before. I cant tell you why life is unfair, im not the creator of it all. I can’t tell you why your mother or your ex step mom do what they do. I can lie to you if you like but then I would feel horrible. So as it sits I can say, we do what we do for many reasons. Sometimes because it comes natural, others because we wanted to for either emotional or personal reasons, or because we followed along with the crowd. Heck sometimes we do things and there is no logical reason as to even why. But no matter what the reason each of us is responsible for what we do. Life is unfair baby this you know. You see the nature shows where a baby cub dies, you see the news where children get hurt and so on. It is life and it’s why it’s complicated, scary yet simple and beautiful all at the same time. Both your mom and ex step mom will in time pay the price for their actions just as we will ours. Its also a part of life. Judgement comes to us all in the end.

She looks at me tears in her eyes. Asks me if she’s bad for being mad then. I smiled said NOPE! You have every right to be mad, upset or happy at any point in your life. It’s your life! Dad and I are here to help and guide you but your decisions are yours and they come with either rewards or consequences. Just like everyone else. So if right now just because it’s on your mind and makes you mad then so be it. Just remember our emotions direct our behaviors and our behaviors affect those around us. I got a smile and a hug. She returned back to her spot in the living room looked up at grams and said I LOVE MOM! My grams then looks at her and says I do too Monkey!

Social Media…..Healthy?

Over the years I have followed several FB pages, blogs and various websites looking for new things to discuss on JASP. From time to time I find some items or pages that have me wondering WTH? With that im going to share two meme’s, one I found on a FB page called; My Baby Daddy Aint Shit, the other we redid turning it around. SO we want thoughts:

Personally I don’t condone these types of statements. I think its unhealthy for either parent to even think this way let alone while in the presence of their children OR speaking it aloud to them or around them.

Not always about YOU!

DeadBeats….

For years we have heard the words “DeadBeat Father”. We also know that for years fathers have been told through court order to pay far more than a mother. So why is it society never speaks up screaming about the mother who never pays her child support? Why isnt society screaming about the mother that never shows up to see her child? The worst is when you see on social media a parent making claims of seeing their child, supporting their child when in fact they don’t do either. Why isn’t there an uprising over this issue?

Fact is society still favors mothers hands down. Good fathers have sat in court rooms and stripped of their incomes til bankrupt, stripped of their lives left empty and stripped from their children’s lives and left broken. A father is told in court to pay larger amounts than mothers. One father before becoming the custodial parent paid $100 weekly to the mother of his child. Sometimes paying her up to $200 weekly. This went on for 2 yrs even though he had the child 24/7 after the child was only 6 months. The mother just left her child with the father. Still collecting child support payments. Now around the child’s 4th year the father finally gets court to change custody to him and make the mother pay child support. Which was only less than $20 weekly.

Right here we see a full on injustice. The idea that a child from infancy to 4 yrs of age needs $400 monthly to help in raising this child but after that when the father has this child its literally less than $80 monthly needed to raise the child? The idea alone when you think seriously about it is absurd and insane. Now when the mother had custody the father was there every chance he got to take the child. For the time the mother had custody, he faithfully picked up his child. Fast forward to the time where father has custody and the mother is very inconsistent in showing up to pick up her child. No contempt, no increase, nothing is done at this point.

Court never finds mother in contempt. In fact when she claims alienation the father is found in contempt. Fact is the mother never shows up for visits, and is beyond inconsistent with her weekly child support payments. If this were the father he would have been jailed, license removed, and in most cases removed from the child’s life. Why is it this mother never faces those same consequences? This should infuriate those out there fighting for equal rights. Yet no one does anything about these situations. This father has fought for his child to live a happy comfortable life with consistent and structured events and day to day living. Yet this mother cries on social media of how shes forced out of her child’s life when the fact is she is never there. Stand up people the word DeadBeat is no longer just a father title!

The Picky Eater

All young children are more-or-less picky about food. What they eat one day, they don’t the next. They eat a lot one day, little the next. They don’t eat some of everything that is on the table, but eat only one or two foods and ignore the rest. They warm up slowly to unfamiliar foods and may have to see, watch you eat, touch or taste a food (they put it in and take it out again) 15 or 20 (or even more) times before theylearn to like it. then they eat it sometimes and not others. If you maintain a division of responsibility in feeding, over time, even a cautious and slow-to-warm-up child will become less erratic about eating and less skeptical of unfamiliar food.

Picky is normal; fincky isn’t

However, your child has gone past ordinary picky eating if she/he gets upset when she/he sees unfamiliar food, only, ever, eats her/him few (and shrinking list of) favorite foods, and worries she/he will be unable to eat away from home. You can’t get your child to eat, but you can help her/him resolve her/him negative feelings about eating. You can reassure her/him she/he doesn’t have to eat. That will allow her/him to develop positive attitudes about eating and behave nicely at mealtime so she can learn. After that, she/he will ever-so-gradually push her/himself along to learn to eat a greater variety of food.

How to address picky eating

Do a good job with feeding and assume your child will grow up with eating. Have regular meals and structured snacks so your child can be hungry but not starved at mealtime. Have family meals, and make those meals a pleasure and a privilege, not a chore. To keep meals positive, don’t pressure her/him in any way to eat.

• Teach her/him to say “no, thank you” rather than “YUK.” Have her/him leave the table if she behaves badly.
• Be family friendly with meals. Pair unfamiliar with familiar food, not-yet-liked with liked foods. Don’t make special food for her/him.
• Include one or two side-dish foods that she/he ordinarily eats, such as bread, fruit, or milk. Don’t offer cereal, peanut butter, or other alternative entrées.
• Let her/him pick and choose from what you put on the table, even if she eats five slices of bread and nothing else.
• Teach her/him to take food out without swallowing. What do you think napkins are for?

Avoid feeding errors.

• Failing to have structured meals and snacks and/or letting her eat or drink (except for water) whenever she wants to between times.
• Talking about your child’s food likes and dislikes.
• Limiting the menu to food your child readily accepts.
• Putting pressure in any way on her/him eating.

Words Of Hope

I reached out to a FB person who I follow asking for some words to help inspire everyone here and while waiting I figured id do my best to help. See in the world of blended families the rules to normal living seem to never apply. My friends and I joke that we must have missed the memo on what makes a parent let alone a good one these days. Especially when I am told im not my step daughters mother, she has one. I have to giggle really. Because I never understood how me guiding this child to be better, do better and strive for greatness made me wrong. We all know step mothers by all accounts are deemed by media and society are evil creatures of horrible habits out to destroy a birth mother at all costs…haha. While step fathers hardly get recognition for much of anything. Hell when did you see a step dad on a disney movie out to end the child’s life because the godly birth father tragically passed away at the evil hands of that step father? Never! So thanks Walt I am the evil queen and my husband is a no one behind the scenes step dad.

But fact remains that there are bad parents, good parents and some running in circles trying to find the next book with miracle answers to appeasing everyone while losing their minds! Truth! We all make mistakes! We all chose the path we are on. And no one has a right to throw rocks on the road but we know some bio/step parents who love to throw a dump truck right down the center lane! Its up to us to decide which way to swerve or whether we slam on the brakes.

Is there hope being in a blended family? While dealing with a hcbp or society telling us “Do this! Dont to that!” Sure is. It starts with YOU! The second you stop and really take in all around you and figure out what you can or can not control the quicker you are to living again. I cant stop my husbands ex wife from doing all the evil stuff she does, I cant make her be honest, and I sure cant get her to see I am not the devil. Her perceptions are her own no matter what I feel or say about them. But I can look at it all as a bigger picture.

I can think about what I would want if I were the child. I can think about what I would want for my own child. NOT what I want for me or how I FEEL it should be done. I wash dishes differently than those around me, place things in my shopping cart while grocery shopping, fold the laundry, even the way I pull up to the pump to get my gas…I have my way. Because they are things I can control. Things that make my life easier for ME not anyone else. With that thought I have had to look and really study the things I did for my husbands kids. Were they things that made life easier for me? To make me feel better?

Some things I still do the same for them, others I have changed it because I realized I was doing it my way for me not them. And yes it was a hard pill to swallow. But one that made life easier for the children not me or their dad. I still hold true to my values, finding ways to teach a lesson in day to day life and always honest no matter what. Since I have done this along with realizing the BM has issues I can not change or control my life has been so much happier. I see my daughter and husband less stressed and more happy. Now I can’t say the same for either of the two BM’s in my life. But then again going back to what I was saying I cant control them or their feelings. All I can do is own up to my choices. When one of the children makes statements about what BM said or does, its simple for me now instead of frustrating. And the children have learned that no matter what they tell us for me I will respond the same every time. “That’s great love. But as you can clearly see I am not her. Never have been never will be. So we can either sit here and argue over this or move forward and continue doing it OUR way.”

Teaching a child that everyone does things differently, reacts differently shows them its OK to do it DIFFERENTLY! Dad does bedtime far different than I do but children usually never throw that up in your face. But the very second you do anything different from the BM well its a huge ordeal. I choose to remind them we all do things in our own way. So while with her they have their way special to them. But when here with us we do things our way. And that it is ok to do so. Even started reminding them that the teacher they had last year did things different than the one they have this year. To help ease them into understanding. Once you look at the situation outside your box you can then start to make the changes needed. Especially with responses to the BHBP and the child/ren that remind you daily you are not the other parent. And when you do all this you will find you aren’t hurt, angry or frustrated. With time the children take the lesson learned and apply it so they too no longer are in your face saying, “BUT my MOM does this or that!” The hope we all seek, the peace starts with US not them (BP or Child/ren). Once you let go of all the negative and start on a positive path, sticking to true morals you find life is soo much easier.

Understanding The BM

As I have said many times before there comes a time when dealing with the HC BM stops. Now that doesn’t mean she will stop the lies, manipulation, and terror she throws at you but for you it stops. And that comes when you finally sit down, relax and think about why the BM in your life is the way she is. Whether in your car on a long drive, or a window seat watching it rain think about all she has already been through. Think about everything you have been told or have learned.

I’ve personally known my husbands ex-wife since school, and his ex gf for a few years before I got with my husband. For some time me and the ex gf were friends, or at least I thought. But no matter what I thought I still treated her as my friend. Now his ex-wife we were cordial with each other but never truly friends on any level. Even though I knew of her and her life before my husband I was good friends with him far before either of these two had children with him.

So on all accounts I knew about each of these women and their pasts on one level or another. Now once I got with my husband his ex-wife went on her war path and hasn’t stopped since. Over the years of pain and torture she put on my family I never truly gave much thought to what I knew of her. I just seen the ex HC BM as far as I was concerned. She didn’t help my perception of her either with the phone call of “We were working it out to he’s abusive!” Straight into getting me fired, threats and all kinds of HC fun many of you can relate to.

But over the last few years I have come to see her differently. Don’t get me wrong ask me face to face and I think she needs SERIOUS therapy and a vacation on a very white floor with a padded room. But I washed my hands of her drama long ago because I seen HER! I seen past her outward shell she shows the world. I seen the person she hides when strangers are looking.

I seen the anger, pain and confusion. See I had to sit down and look at my life vrs hers while with my husband. No matter that she has children with him and should be happy that she does I have far more than she ever got in her eyes. Now yes she holds those children against him, lies on him to keep them away and even manipulated and lied on his eldest who she so graciously claims she misses dearly all while claiming in court this small child is the devil.

But for the short few years she got with him, he was not the greatest with her. Now I don’t condone any negative behavior from a husband or wife but I surely can sit back and see why he wished to never be near her. They were oil and water. I give him props for marrying her after they had a child, not to many men would even go that far. And despite her own mother questioning him on if he was sure he wanted to marry her own daughter I give him mad props.

But no matter how much they never got along he did what he had to for his children with her. And after a few rocky roads tried time and time again to make it work. In the end obviously that didn’t happen. Leading him to being alone wanting nothing more than his kids. He did date another girl before me and after conversations with her his ex-wife made her life a living hell as well. Then I come next.

If already his ex wasn’t jaded over him treating the first woman after her better than her I step in and get treated far far better than any before me. Again I remind everyone we were dear friends long before her. Life just took us in different directions back then. So meeting up for the first time in years it was if nothing ever changed between us. Instantly we connected, we traded vehicles. I did this because I had a town car and no need for the space while he had a truck and four kids to drive around. Im sure the very second she seen this she knew deeply that I was not just some next girl type woman. Though she called me that. I do believe I even got told I was Miss Today but not Tomorrow in so many words.

I thought back on this and realized that was the start of her pain, anger and confusion. Shortly after that we found a place together. Then once they were completely and 100% legally divorced we married. Again I remind you I have known this man since he was 19 hes now 32. But in her eyes I was the enemy getting all she was promised or thought she was entitled to when she married him. Year after year together through our ups and downs I got the big house, the new cars, the life she didn’t get. Yet she had the power and knew it because she was willing to do whatever she needed to to remove me or those kids from his life.

So now here I sit 6 years together, and over 5 years married. Still go the doting husband, who stays home to just be with me and his daughter. The man willing to die if it was what kept us happy. Yes we have our issues what married couple doesn’t. But I wake up with little notes saying I love you! Special little gifts here and there and the constant reminder that no matter what he is still here for me. Something she never got.

I have thought about this many times than I care to admit. No matter what her and her friends have said about me, tried to do to me, or any of her antics, I forgive her. Many think I am crazy for this but I see her. I see that she when no one is looking is watching my every mood secretly waiting for my end. Coming up with a new lie to try and push him over the edge and end our marriage. I am NOT saying she wants him back but more that she wants what I have to end because she still cant grasp why I got it all and she didn’t. Even though again she holds his children from him and has that part of him I don’t.

And when court is over and things change again not to her liking we will continue this song and dance she continues to play. Because I have something she won’t ever have. And no I am not talking about the husband, house and all that, I have heart, forgiveness and understanding. I too felt like she did when I found out my ex-husband married the girl before me. Granted I hated him with a passion like no other I was confused as why their marriage would work? Why would he actually keep a job and go home to her when he didn’t do any of that with me. But after time I realized that the anger I felt was misplaced. Completely unnecessary! I too was with someone else at the time, not married (thank god) but I was ok.

I spent 7 yrs with my ex and I was more angry with myself for giving up so much of my life to a man who cheated, lied and hurt me. When I came to that realization I was no longer confused or mad. I took some time to see the reality of it but I did. Something again I have that she don’t. I know she has dated, had her flings but she wont have true love and happiness until she realizes the same as I did. And until she does this HC Drama will never end. She will forever have a need to be on a warpath to destroy everything he and I have.

But for me I get to live truly and happily live. Do we miss the other kids…YES. Do we feel incomplete….YES! But we have to keep living. Keep trying. And most of all keep forgiving her for being the person she feels she HAS to be. In return I get it. I don’t need to play into her drama or get all worked up. I see her……

How I Do It…

So I was chatting with a friend and she was asking how I deal with BM and the harassment from her friends. Its been going on for about 6 yrs give or take; honestly I lost count long ago. Before I could answer her I had to fill her in on just some and I mean a small start of what this woman has done since the day she found out me and her ex were even talking. After what seemed like hours my friend was in shock. The harassment now made sense to her but she again asked HOW DO YOU DO IT? I simply said “I smile!”

From the very start of this nightmare journey I never in a million years thought my husbands ex would turn out to be seriously mental. And I don’t mean that in a mean way. She literally has some mental issues. I knew of her younger years fighting back depression and suicide attempts as well that her family tried to get her help. Though in my personal opinion she didn’t get enough. Her family tends to treat her like they do another of their children who is diagnoses with some serious health issues. So they let her slide you could say.

I’ve known my husbands ex since high school long ago. Having siblings in close age ranges and our town being rather small as far as school goes you get to know who is who. And after graduating and return home from college I had bumped into her from time to time. We did hang with the same social crowd. I seen first hand her outbursts, obsessive ways and insane behaviors but never really cared.

Later on I met my husband as a friend brought him to my house for a bbq. I was smitten even then. But due to different lives and circumstances we never got past the crush stage with each other. Nor did we ever actually say “Hey I like you!” So years passed and I had heard he was with BM. I also heard life wasn’t a bowl of cherries for him. Mine was no picnic either. But as life has its way of throwing you back into someone’s life there he was. Asking me about me. Recently out of a long term relationship I swore off men, women, friends…anything that referred to a relationship of some sort. BUT….

He sent me text messages, fb and even myspace messages. Once on my own again he asked if he could see me. I agreed and well its been us ever since. It wasn’t but a few weeks later that she called him up screaming “So you are F@cking her NOW?!” To us this was funny because we hadn’t even kissed let alone had sex. I’m not that type of girl and she knew it. Her anger though got worse and so did the calls. Then one day she called me. First her tone was more sad stating that him and her had been working things out. I had gotten a very different story the day I met his family for a lunch date so I called her out on it. Her tone quickly changed as well as her attitude. There was no more working it out but a warning that he was violent, abusive and more. I found this odd as well she just facebooked not a few days ago about how great a father he was. Lets just say the hour and half call ended quickly after I called her out on that as well.

Now this and many other events took place in just less than 6 months. I got threats that he was going to cheat, leave or beat me. I got called a child molester due to my open sexuality as a bi-sexual. Right down to this woman mailing a letter to my employer stating I was drunk and high while at work. Now my lead at work did all she could to explain that not once had she ever seen me like this ( I worked directly next to her nightly), pleas to let me take a drug test right there on the spot all denied and my job terminated. I filed for unemployment for the first time in my entire life. I was not denied that and after an investigation was even offered my job back. Which I not so kindly refused.

So in this conversation with my friend she was beyond shocked that I would have even stayed dating my husband let alone marry him if this is what his ex was capable of in 6 short months. But I wasn’t with him for her, or to hurt her but for ME! By the end of that first year we moved into our first home together. I knew this would not suit her but again my life wasn’t hers but mine. Ive known this man over 10 yrs before this so we were not strangers. As soon as she heard of our new home she ran straight to court. Claims of my home being in an unsafe area or in her words the worst ghetto our town had. She went as far as to ask I not be IN my home when the children were with us. This didn’t go over well with court. She was at that time granted one weekend with her kids and a few hours one or two days a week.

As time went on this women’s furry had no limits nor did her crazy! Stalking my home, constant fingers flown in the air on pick ups, stalking my husbands other child at her school and when with me. It was a daily dose of Bates Motel style crazy from this woman! Which hasn’t stopped since. In fact it has gone far beyond anything I could have ever imagined in my life time. From fake profiles, pages and more stalking harassing and even calling my jobs, facebooking my jobs and more. Lies upon lies with more crazy stalker moments than I care to even admit out loud.

Yet I am still here. I raise my husbands oldest to perfection. Our relationship is strong and this child and me do all we can for others and our community. And do you think after all these years BM has stopped…NOPE! She has her haters club attacking the child, calling her names, bashing her family and more. Shes a child! And I still do my best to understand and forgive. Not the easiest task I might add. Like any one else I have lost my temper. And some times its not been pretty.

So see i’ve only scratched the surface of what I have had to endure from one woman and im still standing tall. WHY? Well im going to tell you. I feel sorry for her. For a percentage she cant help herself, remember I told you she has some mental issues even if no one will state it outloud. The other have is pure anger and jealousy. I have the things my husband didn’t give her. She thought having his children meant she would get the big house, cars, white fence and all. But that’s not what happens when you have a shaky marriage on a foundation of lies. Her lack of being an adult and the constant debt, loss of apartment after apartment, and filth they lived in due to her and at his own faults caused to much for their marriage.

So much that after some time and living with my in laws in their basement he had enough. He would go to work, come home take care of the kids while they fought over why there was a mound of dirty diapers hidden under the blanket piled around the diaper genie and not in the diaper genie or in the trash. Once he fed, bathed and put the kids to bed he would leave. To a degree I cant blame him. I was in a shitty relationship before him with a man who couldn’t pick up anything let alone take out the dog or hold down a job. I did all the work 24/7. Then my husband would return in time to get a few hours of sleep before work where she would beg him to say I love you fully knowing that it would lead to a fight and him sleeping on the couch. (Heard that story from my mother in law, father in law and brother in laws all who lived in the same home). And now with me, my husband goes to work, comes home to a clean house, food made and all he has to do is help if he wishes. And he does. I get the life she didn’t. And I understand that frustration.

After my divorce when I heard my ex was remarrying I was wrecked. How come he couldn’t make ours work? Why didn’t he do these things with me? The same questions I am sure with out doubt that BM asks. But in time I didn’t care. I didn’t want the ex back or the fear of him being the man I knew him as. And if this new woman found a better man in him great. We don’t change people we only change ourselves. Ask BM and I manipulated and changed my husband. Which with my husband is absolutely impossible! But he did change. For himself and his new wife and children. He doesn’t go out all night and come home to the couch. If anything we are known to skip out on parties, outings and more because we rather be home with the kids by ourselves. He does dishes, laundry, cooks meals, plays with the kids, walks the dog. We both work equally in our home and outside it. Something they didn’t.

So how do I do it? Simple really! I fully understand her pains but cant dwell in it with her. I feel sorry that she cant let it go, move forward and co-parent. She is hurting herself and the children. She thinks shes hurting us…to a degree yes we miss the children but life doesn’t end. She was hoping my husband was the man he use to be but fails to accept hes not. So no hes not going to throw away his marriage just to make her happy. All of this I keep and remind myself of so that each new morning I get up and smile. I’m still alive, healthy as one can be at my age. I have a home that is mine. I have a family that sees all the good I do. So why dwell in the hate of one woman?

My friend said I should write all this down to help others out in similar situations that cant deal with these type of BMs. I don’t know if this will help, I can only hope in some way it did. Know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. But you have to find it within YOU! If I allowed the BM to continually drag me into her negative and hateful drama I would have walked or offed myself years ago. If I didn’t try and at least understand her pains and anger than I wouldn’t be able to feel sympathy for her. Now by no means should this give her a right to do any of the things she has done but it makes it easier for me. Which is all that matters.