So I was chatting with a friend and she was asking how I deal with BM and the harassment from her friends. Its been going on for about 6 yrs give or take; honestly I lost count long ago. Before I could answer her I had to fill her in on just some and I mean a small start of what this woman has done since the day she found out me and her ex were even talking. After what seemed like hours my friend was in shock. The harassment now made sense to her but she again asked HOW DO YOU DO IT? I simply said “I smile!”
From the very start of this nightmare journey I never in a million years thought my husbands ex would turn out to be seriously mental. And I don’t mean that in a mean way. She literally has some mental issues. I knew of her younger years fighting back depression and suicide attempts as well that her family tried to get her help. Though in my personal opinion she didn’t get enough. Her family tends to treat her like they do another of their children who is diagnoses with some serious health issues. So they let her slide you could say.
I’ve known my husbands ex since high school long ago. Having siblings in close age ranges and our town being rather small as far as school goes you get to know who is who. And after graduating and return home from college I had bumped into her from time to time. We did hang with the same social crowd. I seen first hand her outbursts, obsessive ways and insane behaviors but never really cared.
Later on I met my husband as a friend brought him to my house for a bbq. I was smitten even then. But due to different lives and circumstances we never got past the crush stage with each other. Nor did we ever actually say “Hey I like you!” So years passed and I had heard he was with BM. I also heard life wasn’t a bowl of cherries for him. Mine was no picnic either. But as life has its way of throwing you back into someone’s life there he was. Asking me about me. Recently out of a long term relationship I swore off men, women, friends…anything that referred to a relationship of some sort. BUT….
He sent me text messages, fb and even myspace messages. Once on my own again he asked if he could see me. I agreed and well its been us ever since. It wasn’t but a few weeks later that she called him up screaming “So you are F@cking her NOW?!” To us this was funny because we hadn’t even kissed let alone had sex. I’m not that type of girl and she knew it. Her anger though got worse and so did the calls. Then one day she called me. First her tone was more sad stating that him and her had been working things out. I had gotten a very different story the day I met his family for a lunch date so I called her out on it. Her tone quickly changed as well as her attitude. There was no more working it out but a warning that he was violent, abusive and more. I found this odd as well she just facebooked not a few days ago about how great a father he was. Lets just say the hour and half call ended quickly after I called her out on that as well.
Now this and many other events took place in just less than 6 months. I got threats that he was going to cheat, leave or beat me. I got called a child molester due to my open sexuality as a bi-sexual. Right down to this woman mailing a letter to my employer stating I was drunk and high while at work. Now my lead at work did all she could to explain that not once had she ever seen me like this ( I worked directly next to her nightly), pleas to let me take a drug test right there on the spot all denied and my job terminated. I filed for unemployment for the first time in my entire life. I was not denied that and after an investigation was even offered my job back. Which I not so kindly refused.
So in this conversation with my friend she was beyond shocked that I would have even stayed dating my husband let alone marry him if this is what his ex was capable of in 6 short months. But I wasn’t with him for her, or to hurt her but for ME! By the end of that first year we moved into our first home together. I knew this would not suit her but again my life wasn’t hers but mine. Ive known this man over 10 yrs before this so we were not strangers. As soon as she heard of our new home she ran straight to court. Claims of my home being in an unsafe area or in her words the worst ghetto our town had. She went as far as to ask I not be IN my home when the children were with us. This didn’t go over well with court. She was at that time granted one weekend with her kids and a few hours one or two days a week.
As time went on this women’s furry had no limits nor did her crazy! Stalking my home, constant fingers flown in the air on pick ups, stalking my husbands other child at her school and when with me. It was a daily dose of Bates Motel style crazy from this woman! Which hasn’t stopped since. In fact it has gone far beyond anything I could have ever imagined in my life time. From fake profiles, pages and more stalking harassing and even calling my jobs, facebooking my jobs and more. Lies upon lies with more crazy stalker moments than I care to even admit out loud.
Yet I am still here. I raise my husbands oldest to perfection. Our relationship is strong and this child and me do all we can for others and our community. And do you think after all these years BM has stopped…NOPE! She has her haters club attacking the child, calling her names, bashing her family and more. Shes a child! And I still do my best to understand and forgive. Not the easiest task I might add. Like any one else I have lost my temper. And some times its not been pretty.
So see i’ve only scratched the surface of what I have had to endure from one woman and im still standing tall. WHY? Well im going to tell you. I feel sorry for her. For a percentage she cant help herself, remember I told you she has some mental issues even if no one will state it outloud. The other have is pure anger and jealousy. I have the things my husband didn’t give her. She thought having his children meant she would get the big house, cars, white fence and all. But that’s not what happens when you have a shaky marriage on a foundation of lies. Her lack of being an adult and the constant debt, loss of apartment after apartment, and filth they lived in due to her and at his own faults caused to much for their marriage.
So much that after some time and living with my in laws in their basement he had enough. He would go to work, come home take care of the kids while they fought over why there was a mound of dirty diapers hidden under the blanket piled around the diaper genie and not in the diaper genie or in the trash. Once he fed, bathed and put the kids to bed he would leave. To a degree I cant blame him. I was in a shitty relationship before him with a man who couldn’t pick up anything let alone take out the dog or hold down a job. I did all the work 24/7. Then my husband would return in time to get a few hours of sleep before work where she would beg him to say I love you fully knowing that it would lead to a fight and him sleeping on the couch. (Heard that story from my mother in law, father in law and brother in laws all who lived in the same home). And now with me, my husband goes to work, comes home to a clean house, food made and all he has to do is help if he wishes. And he does. I get the life she didn’t. And I understand that frustration.
After my divorce when I heard my ex was remarrying I was wrecked. How come he couldn’t make ours work? Why didn’t he do these things with me? The same questions I am sure with out doubt that BM asks. But in time I didn’t care. I didn’t want the ex back or the fear of him being the man I knew him as. And if this new woman found a better man in him great. We don’t change people we only change ourselves. Ask BM and I manipulated and changed my husband. Which with my husband is absolutely impossible! But he did change. For himself and his new wife and children. He doesn’t go out all night and come home to the couch. If anything we are known to skip out on parties, outings and more because we rather be home with the kids by ourselves. He does dishes, laundry, cooks meals, plays with the kids, walks the dog. We both work equally in our home and outside it. Something they didn’t.
So how do I do it? Simple really! I fully understand her pains but cant dwell in it with her. I feel sorry that she cant let it go, move forward and co-parent. She is hurting herself and the children. She thinks shes hurting us…to a degree yes we miss the children but life doesn’t end. She was hoping my husband was the man he use to be but fails to accept hes not. So no hes not going to throw away his marriage just to make her happy. All of this I keep and remind myself of so that each new morning I get up and smile. I’m still alive, healthy as one can be at my age. I have a home that is mine. I have a family that sees all the good I do. So why dwell in the hate of one woman?
My friend said I should write all this down to help others out in similar situations that cant deal with these type of BMs. I don’t know if this will help, I can only hope in some way it did. Know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. But you have to find it within YOU! If I allowed the BM to continually drag me into her negative and hateful drama I would have walked or offed myself years ago. If I didn’t try and at least understand her pains and anger than I wouldn’t be able to feel sympathy for her. Now by no means should this give her a right to do any of the things she has done but it makes it easier for me. Which is all that matters.
Just A Step Parent? 