Understanding The BM

As I have said many times before there comes a time when dealing with the HC BM stops. Now that doesn’t mean she will stop the lies, manipulation, and terror she throws at you but for you it stops. And that comes when you finally sit down, relax and think about why the BM in your life is the way she is. Whether in your car on a long drive, or a window seat watching it rain think about all she has already been through. Think about everything you have been told or have learned.

I’ve personally known my husbands ex-wife since school, and his ex gf for a few years before I got with my husband. For some time me and the ex gf were friends, or at least I thought. But no matter what I thought I still treated her as my friend. Now his ex-wife we were cordial with each other but never truly friends on any level. Even though I knew of her and her life before my husband I was good friends with him far before either of these two had children with him.

So on all accounts I knew about each of these women and their pasts on one level or another. Now once I got with my husband his ex-wife went on her war path and hasn’t stopped since. Over the years of pain and torture she put on my family I never truly gave much thought to what I knew of her. I just seen the ex HC BM as far as I was concerned. She didn’t help my perception of her either with the phone call of “We were working it out to he’s abusive!” Straight into getting me fired, threats and all kinds of HC fun many of you can relate to.

But over the last few years I have come to see her differently. Don’t get me wrong ask me face to face and I think she needs SERIOUS therapy and a vacation on a very white floor with a padded room. But I washed my hands of her drama long ago because I seen HER! I seen past her outward shell she shows the world. I seen the person she hides when strangers are looking.

I seen the anger, pain and confusion. See I had to sit down and look at my life vrs hers while with my husband. No matter that she has children with him and should be happy that she does I have far more than she ever got in her eyes. Now yes she holds those children against him, lies on him to keep them away and even manipulated and lied on his eldest who she so graciously claims she misses dearly all while claiming in court this small child is the devil.

But for the short few years she got with him, he was not the greatest with her. Now I don’t condone any negative behavior from a husband or wife but I surely can sit back and see why he wished to never be near her. They were oil and water. I give him props for marrying her after they had a child, not to many men would even go that far. And despite her own mother questioning him on if he was sure he wanted to marry her own daughter I give him mad props.

But no matter how much they never got along he did what he had to for his children with her. And after a few rocky roads tried time and time again to make it work. In the end obviously that didn’t happen. Leading him to being alone wanting nothing more than his kids. He did date another girl before me and after conversations with her his ex-wife made her life a living hell as well. Then I come next.

If already his ex wasn’t jaded over him treating the first woman after her better than her I step in and get treated far far better than any before me. Again I remind everyone we were dear friends long before her. Life just took us in different directions back then. So meeting up for the first time in years it was if nothing ever changed between us. Instantly we connected, we traded vehicles. I did this because I had a town car and no need for the space while he had a truck and four kids to drive around. Im sure the very second she seen this she knew deeply that I was not just some next girl type woman. Though she called me that. I do believe I even got told I was Miss Today but not Tomorrow in so many words.

I thought back on this and realized that was the start of her pain, anger and confusion. Shortly after that we found a place together. Then once they were completely and 100% legally divorced we married. Again I remind you I have known this man since he was 19 hes now 32. But in her eyes I was the enemy getting all she was promised or thought she was entitled to when she married him. Year after year together through our ups and downs I got the big house, the new cars, the life she didn’t get. Yet she had the power and knew it because she was willing to do whatever she needed to to remove me or those kids from his life.

So now here I sit 6 years together, and over 5 years married. Still go the doting husband, who stays home to just be with me and his daughter. The man willing to die if it was what kept us happy. Yes we have our issues what married couple doesn’t. But I wake up with little notes saying I love you! Special little gifts here and there and the constant reminder that no matter what he is still here for me. Something she never got.

I have thought about this many times than I care to admit. No matter what her and her friends have said about me, tried to do to me, or any of her antics, I forgive her. Many think I am crazy for this but I see her. I see that she when no one is looking is watching my every mood secretly waiting for my end. Coming up with a new lie to try and push him over the edge and end our marriage. I am NOT saying she wants him back but more that she wants what I have to end because she still cant grasp why I got it all and she didn’t. Even though again she holds his children from him and has that part of him I don’t.

And when court is over and things change again not to her liking we will continue this song and dance she continues to play. Because I have something she won’t ever have. And no I am not talking about the husband, house and all that, I have heart, forgiveness and understanding. I too felt like she did when I found out my ex-husband married the girl before me. Granted I hated him with a passion like no other I was confused as why their marriage would work? Why would he actually keep a job and go home to her when he didn’t do any of that with me. But after time I realized that the anger I felt was misplaced. Completely unnecessary! I too was with someone else at the time, not married (thank god) but I was ok.

I spent 7 yrs with my ex and I was more angry with myself for giving up so much of my life to a man who cheated, lied and hurt me. When I came to that realization I was no longer confused or mad. I took some time to see the reality of it but I did. Something again I have that she don’t. I know she has dated, had her flings but she wont have true love and happiness until she realizes the same as I did. And until she does this HC Drama will never end. She will forever have a need to be on a warpath to destroy everything he and I have.

But for me I get to live truly and happily live. Do we miss the other kids…YES. Do we feel incomplete….YES! But we have to keep living. Keep trying. And most of all keep forgiving her for being the person she feels she HAS to be. In return I get it. I don’t need to play into her drama or get all worked up. I see her……

How I Do It…

So I was chatting with a friend and she was asking how I deal with BM and the harassment from her friends. Its been going on for about 6 yrs give or take; honestly I lost count long ago. Before I could answer her I had to fill her in on just some and I mean a small start of what this woman has done since the day she found out me and her ex were even talking. After what seemed like hours my friend was in shock. The harassment now made sense to her but she again asked HOW DO YOU DO IT? I simply said “I smile!”

From the very start of this nightmare journey I never in a million years thought my husbands ex would turn out to be seriously mental. And I don’t mean that in a mean way. She literally has some mental issues. I knew of her younger years fighting back depression and suicide attempts as well that her family tried to get her help. Though in my personal opinion she didn’t get enough. Her family tends to treat her like they do another of their children who is diagnoses with some serious health issues. So they let her slide you could say.

I’ve known my husbands ex since high school long ago. Having siblings in close age ranges and our town being rather small as far as school goes you get to know who is who. And after graduating and return home from college I had bumped into her from time to time. We did hang with the same social crowd. I seen first hand her outbursts, obsessive ways and insane behaviors but never really cared.

Later on I met my husband as a friend brought him to my house for a bbq. I was smitten even then. But due to different lives and circumstances we never got past the crush stage with each other. Nor did we ever actually say “Hey I like you!” So years passed and I had heard he was with BM. I also heard life wasn’t a bowl of cherries for him. Mine was no picnic either. But as life has its way of throwing you back into someone’s life there he was. Asking me about me. Recently out of a long term relationship I swore off men, women, friends…anything that referred to a relationship of some sort. BUT….

He sent me text messages, fb and even myspace messages. Once on my own again he asked if he could see me. I agreed and well its been us ever since. It wasn’t but a few weeks later that she called him up screaming “So you are F@cking her NOW?!” To us this was funny because we hadn’t even kissed let alone had sex. I’m not that type of girl and she knew it. Her anger though got worse and so did the calls. Then one day she called me. First her tone was more sad stating that him and her had been working things out. I had gotten a very different story the day I met his family for a lunch date so I called her out on it. Her tone quickly changed as well as her attitude. There was no more working it out but a warning that he was violent, abusive and more. I found this odd as well she just facebooked not a few days ago about how great a father he was. Lets just say the hour and half call ended quickly after I called her out on that as well.

Now this and many other events took place in just less than 6 months. I got threats that he was going to cheat, leave or beat me. I got called a child molester due to my open sexuality as a bi-sexual. Right down to this woman mailing a letter to my employer stating I was drunk and high while at work. Now my lead at work did all she could to explain that not once had she ever seen me like this ( I worked directly next to her nightly), pleas to let me take a drug test right there on the spot all denied and my job terminated. I filed for unemployment for the first time in my entire life. I was not denied that and after an investigation was even offered my job back. Which I not so kindly refused.

So in this conversation with my friend she was beyond shocked that I would have even stayed dating my husband let alone marry him if this is what his ex was capable of in 6 short months. But I wasn’t with him for her, or to hurt her but for ME! By the end of that first year we moved into our first home together. I knew this would not suit her but again my life wasn’t hers but mine. Ive known this man over 10 yrs before this so we were not strangers. As soon as she heard of our new home she ran straight to court. Claims of my home being in an unsafe area or in her words the worst ghetto our town had. She went as far as to ask I not be IN my home when the children were with us. This didn’t go over well with court. She was at that time granted one weekend with her kids and a few hours one or two days a week.

As time went on this women’s furry had no limits nor did her crazy! Stalking my home, constant fingers flown in the air on pick ups, stalking my husbands other child at her school and when with me. It was a daily dose of Bates Motel style crazy from this woman! Which hasn’t stopped since. In fact it has gone far beyond anything I could have ever imagined in my life time. From fake profiles, pages and more stalking harassing and even calling my jobs, facebooking my jobs and more. Lies upon lies with more crazy stalker moments than I care to even admit out loud.

Yet I am still here. I raise my husbands oldest to perfection. Our relationship is strong and this child and me do all we can for others and our community. And do you think after all these years BM has stopped…NOPE! She has her haters club attacking the child, calling her names, bashing her family and more. Shes a child! And I still do my best to understand and forgive. Not the easiest task I might add. Like any one else I have lost my temper. And some times its not been pretty.

So see i’ve only scratched the surface of what I have had to endure from one woman and im still standing tall. WHY? Well im going to tell you. I feel sorry for her. For a percentage she cant help herself, remember I told you she has some mental issues even if no one will state it outloud. The other have is pure anger and jealousy. I have the things my husband didn’t give her. She thought having his children meant she would get the big house, cars, white fence and all. But that’s not what happens when you have a shaky marriage on a foundation of lies. Her lack of being an adult and the constant debt, loss of apartment after apartment, and filth they lived in due to her and at his own faults caused to much for their marriage.

So much that after some time and living with my in laws in their basement he had enough. He would go to work, come home take care of the kids while they fought over why there was a mound of dirty diapers hidden under the blanket piled around the diaper genie and not in the diaper genie or in the trash. Once he fed, bathed and put the kids to bed he would leave. To a degree I cant blame him. I was in a shitty relationship before him with a man who couldn’t pick up anything let alone take out the dog or hold down a job. I did all the work 24/7. Then my husband would return in time to get a few hours of sleep before work where she would beg him to say I love you fully knowing that it would lead to a fight and him sleeping on the couch. (Heard that story from my mother in law, father in law and brother in laws all who lived in the same home). And now with me, my husband goes to work, comes home to a clean house, food made and all he has to do is help if he wishes. And he does. I get the life she didn’t. And I understand that frustration.

After my divorce when I heard my ex was remarrying I was wrecked. How come he couldn’t make ours work? Why didn’t he do these things with me? The same questions I am sure with out doubt that BM asks. But in time I didn’t care. I didn’t want the ex back or the fear of him being the man I knew him as. And if this new woman found a better man in him great. We don’t change people we only change ourselves. Ask BM and I manipulated and changed my husband. Which with my husband is absolutely impossible! But he did change. For himself and his new wife and children. He doesn’t go out all night and come home to the couch. If anything we are known to skip out on parties, outings and more because we rather be home with the kids by ourselves. He does dishes, laundry, cooks meals, plays with the kids, walks the dog. We both work equally in our home and outside it. Something they didn’t.

So how do I do it? Simple really! I fully understand her pains but cant dwell in it with her. I feel sorry that she cant let it go, move forward and co-parent. She is hurting herself and the children. She thinks shes hurting us…to a degree yes we miss the children but life doesn’t end. She was hoping my husband was the man he use to be but fails to accept hes not. So no hes not going to throw away his marriage just to make her happy. All of this I keep and remind myself of so that each new morning I get up and smile. I’m still alive, healthy as one can be at my age. I have a home that is mine. I have a family that sees all the good I do. So why dwell in the hate of one woman?

My friend said I should write all this down to help others out in similar situations that cant deal with these type of BMs. I don’t know if this will help, I can only hope in some way it did. Know that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. But you have to find it within YOU! If I allowed the BM to continually drag me into her negative and hateful drama I would have walked or offed myself years ago. If I didn’t try and at least understand her pains and anger than I wouldn’t be able to feel sympathy for her. Now by no means should this give her a right to do any of the things she has done but it makes it easier for me. Which is all that matters.

Step Parents Have A Super Power

As of late many have been asking for help or advise. I have found that I have repeated the same thing over and over and felt maybe it’s time to share a bit. For many here we spend a good portion of our lives as steps being told we have no place, no rights, well NOTHING! But I beg to differ and greatly. I feel what the world isn’t telling step parents is something very important that they need to know.

See there are rules, hidden underlined guidelines or boundaries everyone faces daily. The stuff you don’t read about in parenting books or self help crap they sell for $29.99 on your book store shelves. Paternal parents have these hidden guidelines. Every generation after the last follows them without thought. Because it’s taught and so deeply ingrained that we never question it. A child lies bio parents tend to it pretty much the same. Mom and dad together follow a basic hidden guideline to how they respond to the lie. Its that way with all behavior of children really. Yes some people take their reactions to these behaviors far off the marker but for the most part everyone handles the child the same in retrospect.

Now add a step to the mix and that parent if even allowed to be called one is told they have a whole new set of rules that are listed in black and white in every book, forum or conversation. truth be told I don’t mind it. Simply because I see past the red tape and found a new set of rules that help greatly. See as a step we are told be live outside the box per say. Well then ok outside the box i shall stand partly! See most normal people still follow that ingrained set of rules taught to us by our parents and theirs and then theirs and so on. So by all accounts I too live inside the box.

This gives me a different perspective and a second hand to help me when it comes to the children I am told I have no say in. Because I live in the middle. I can see a situation from both sides as a parent or parental figure. For example, Ex wife has told children to act out in our home. Now most fathers react to this in the same manner. But for the step we can see and react differently to the child after hearing this. Yes normal response from any parent is “Its my house you will behave as I state no matter what mom says.” But we can also see that the child needs another approach. Being I am not the blood mother to this child I can also say, “So you think because someone else says it’s ok you should do it?” Giving the child a moment to think for THEMSELVES not what mom or dad says.

This opens the floodgates for children on many levels. You now have presented yourself as someone not so much the parental figure but an outsider (outside the box person). Now maybe you don’t ask that specific question but you get the general idea. You also gave the child a chance to be themselves and to see the right from the wrong on their terms not terms a bio sets automatically because that’s what we as blood parents do. This starts to break the brainwashing or personal forcing of ones own thoughts and ideals that most instill on their children. It allows the child to think for themselves and to figure out what they see or believe.

Still we fight our own ideals as well. But if we remind ourselves that we are not just step parents but also the outside box person we open the doors to communication with these children. We allow them to freely be themselves when they feel they cant around bio mom or dad. Some say “You are just playing the friend role then.” No not really because remember we aren’t placing ourselves completely where society or that one parent want us. We are saying no to that brainwashing ourselves. We are saying, “I’m ok with being on the line, in and out of the box!”

Another example, my own step daughter decided that she would tell her dad she didn’t want to do chores anymore. But she worded it as if I force her to do chores not only at home but at family as well. This caused a great amount of drama. As usual her father came to me in a huff over this. I asked are you sure about that? Turning my attention the next day to the child. I kindly said we need to talk and asked her what it was she felt she was made to do. She got upset did the cry part, then the I don’t know part to finally saying I don’t want to hurt your feelings mom. Then said that she just didn’t like to have to do chores at home, cleaning up her room, vacuuming etc. She is 10, honor student and pretty much a very well behaved child. She does a list of chores at home along with school work and nothing any other normal child her age is given to do to learn responsibility.

So I went back to my husband later that night. Told him what she had said. I needed to make sure we all were clear on what was being said. When I repeated the conversation to him, he was now more angry than before. This led to her being brought into the room because she wasn’t honest with her father at all. When asked why she lied about the whole chore ordeal and where she has to do them she fessed up and said because dad was mad at me so she went along with it. Thinking since we had had an argument and were not on happy go lucky terms this would not have been brought to the others attention. I asked her why she told me the truth and threw dad under the bus like she had. We got no response at first but later she came back and said because she didn’t feel the need to make me love her. She had to have dad love her or she would lose him.

This is where me being in and out of the box helped. I don’t care is she doesn’t want to do chores she has to learn responsibility for her future. I have no desire to punish her for acting out, what kid her age wishes to do chores? None! But because of my placement she is more honest with me. This helps both her dad and I reach that underlined issue. Which after some more conversation was that due to her BM being gone and not in her life or honest with her she fears she will lose her dad as well. So she was willing to do whatever she felt made him happy so that he would never leave or do the things her BM had done.

Which for most kids this is the case, they will do whatever they feel is needed no matter how wrong it is to make a blood parent happy! And in old fashion living most parents take a child’s word over someone else’s. Media today shows kids getting into way to much trouble because they did wrong things to please a bio parent. I can tell you my sisters and I did many things wrong to make our father happy never seeing then how much it actually hurt him.

So if you feel you have no place as a step take pride in the fact that you have a special one.