I reached out to a FB person who I follow asking for some words to help inspire everyone here and while waiting I figured id do my best to help. See in the world of blended families the rules to normal living seem to never apply. My friends and I joke that we must have missed the memo on what makes a parent let alone a good one these days. Especially when I am told im not my step daughters mother, she has one. I have to giggle really. Because I never understood how me guiding this child to be better, do better and strive for greatness made me wrong. We all know step mothers by all accounts are deemed by media and society are evil creatures of horrible habits out to destroy a birth mother at all costs…haha. While step fathers hardly get recognition for much of anything. Hell when did you see a step dad on a disney movie out to end the child’s life because the godly birth father tragically passed away at the evil hands of that step father? Never! So thanks Walt I am the evil queen and my husband is a no one behind the scenes step dad.
But fact remains that there are bad parents, good parents and some running in circles trying to find the next book with miracle answers to appeasing everyone while losing their minds! Truth! We all make mistakes! We all chose the path we are on. And no one has a right to throw rocks on the road but we know some bio/step parents who love to throw a dump truck right down the center lane! Its up to us to decide which way to swerve or whether we slam on the brakes.
Is there hope being in a blended family? While dealing with a hcbp or society telling us “Do this! Dont to that!” Sure is. It starts with YOU! The second you stop and really take in all around you and figure out what you can or can not control the quicker you are to living again. I cant stop my husbands ex wife from doing all the evil stuff she does, I cant make her be honest, and I sure cant get her to see I am not the devil. Her perceptions are her own no matter what I feel or say about them. But I can look at it all as a bigger picture.
I can think about what I would want if I were the child. I can think about what I would want for my own child. NOT what I want for me or how I FEEL it should be done. I wash dishes differently than those around me, place things in my shopping cart while grocery shopping, fold the laundry, even the way I pull up to the pump to get my gas…I have my way. Because they are things I can control. Things that make my life easier for ME not anyone else. With that thought I have had to look and really study the things I did for my husbands kids. Were they things that made life easier for me? To make me feel better?
Some things I still do the same for them, others I have changed it because I realized I was doing it my way for me not them. And yes it was a hard pill to swallow. But one that made life easier for the children not me or their dad. I still hold true to my values, finding ways to teach a lesson in day to day life and always honest no matter what. Since I have done this along with realizing the BM has issues I can not change or control my life has been so much happier. I see my daughter and husband less stressed and more happy. Now I can’t say the same for either of the two BM’s in my life. But then again going back to what I was saying I cant control them or their feelings. All I can do is own up to my choices. When one of the children makes statements about what BM said or does, its simple for me now instead of frustrating. And the children have learned that no matter what they tell us for me I will respond the same every time. “That’s great love. But as you can clearly see I am not her. Never have been never will be. So we can either sit here and argue over this or move forward and continue doing it OUR way.”
Teaching a child that everyone does things differently, reacts differently shows them its OK to do it DIFFERENTLY! Dad does bedtime far different than I do but children usually never throw that up in your face. But the very second you do anything different from the BM well its a huge ordeal. I choose to remind them we all do things in our own way. So while with her they have their way special to them. But when here with us we do things our way. And that it is ok to do so. Even started reminding them that the teacher they had last year did things different than the one they have this year. To help ease them into understanding. Once you look at the situation outside your box you can then start to make the changes needed. Especially with responses to the BHBP and the child/ren that remind you daily you are not the other parent. And when you do all this you will find you aren’t hurt, angry or frustrated. With time the children take the lesson learned and apply it so they too no longer are in your face saying, “BUT my MOM does this or that!” The hope we all seek, the peace starts with US not them (BP or Child/ren). Once you let go of all the negative and start on a positive path, sticking to true morals you find life is soo much easier.
Just A Step Parent? 